Life After

Hiatus

2009-03-20T05:36:00.001-07:00

I'm not weighing in this week or next because 1) I'm going to be traveling for work and am hoping to just not gain too much and 2) there are some big things coming.

On April 1, I start my Thirty Initiative and the Couch-to-5K program. Then on April 4, Amy and her friends and I are starting another Biggest Loser Competition at a local gym. I'm hoping this will be the extra push I need to get the last 20 pounds off to my first goal.

So I will be a slave to the scale again soon. In the meantime, I'm just going to give myself the next two weeks to not worry about the number - to work out, eat healthy, and enjoy my trip to Atlanta.

I'll be back on April 1. Is anyone doing the Thirty Initiative or the C25K in April as well?

Like the turtle

2009-03-13T05:52:00.001-07:00

Slow and Steady wins the race, right?! RIGHT!?!?!

Starting Weight: 233.2
Last Weeks Weight: 222.0
Current Weight: 220.5
Week Loss: 1.5
Total loss: 12.7 lbs

Ok, so it's been almost 3 months and I've only lost 13 pounds. I'm not unhappy with this as it has been steady, continuous progress, and not a race. I'm doing it different this time. I'm not starving myself; I'm basically eating what I want when I want in healthy portions and moderation and exercising like mad.

I realize if I stopped going out with my girlfriends or only ordered a spritzer, or if I could cut out the indulgences here and there, that 13 pounds would be way more. But then again, that's not ME. That's not realistic. I have two small kids, an incredibly busy life, and I don't have any intention of making myself suffer through any kind of "diet". I KNOW how to eat and I eat well, but I could do better and lose more. But I'm okay with losing a pound or so a week or two. I feel like it's moving in the right direction and I'm happy and not struggling, so I must be doing something right.

I start my Thirty Initiative in a few weeks and I'm hoping that will be the extra kick in the pants to get the scale reaaaaly moving.

How was your week?

Stupid New Scale

2009-03-06T04:25:00.001-08:00

I mentioned I bought a new digital scale since the old one crapped out on me. For the last few weigh-ins, I was using an old-fashioned dial scale, which is great in one way because I can make sure it's calibrated correctly, but not great in the other way because it doesn't show me an accurate digital number each time. I have to peer closely and try and estimate what the correct number is. I figure these scales are meant for people who just want to keep that red dial below a certain place instead of getting an accurate reading.

And of course, the new scale is about 1-2 pounds off from the dial scale. I got off and on each a number of times and even made Mike check to make sure. So, if I want to weigh in each week with the same scale, I'm going to have to suck up the gain. Sigh.

Thankfully, the "gain" this week is only 0.5 lbs.

Starting Weight: 233.2
Last Weeks Weight: 222.0
Current Weight: 222.5
Total loss: 10.7 lbs

I'm also supposed to get weighed, measured, and body fat tested in the next week or so at the gym and I am anxious for those results.

How was your week?

Memorial Day Coundown!

2009-03-01T12:50:00.001-08:00

I'll start tomorrow... I'll start Monday!! Ugh when will it actually begin. Ok this week was absolutely horrible for me as far as dieting. I just haven't had any will power and I also gained two pounds. Well enough is enough. I am DETERMINED to lose this weight before Memorial Day which is only 3 months away. That's like right around the corner!!

I have 12 weeks until the first day of Summer...YAY! My personal goal is to go to the gym at least 4 days a week and also try my best to lose 2 lbs a week. I can do this! Wish me luck!

March 1, 2009

190lbs - Goal 2lbs.

Why I'm not counting this week

2009-02-27T07:46:00.000-08:00

I had the stomach virus from hell this past week. It's been four days and my stomach STILL isn't 100% and muscles in my chest I didn't even know I had are sore from violently retching for 12 straight hours.

Obviously since I didn't eat for three days, I've lost weight. But I'm also still trying to fight dehydration and drink a ton of fluid to rebuild my water.

I also bought a new scale since the old one was on its way out, but it's about a pound or two higher than the old-school dial one I was using. Which is fine, I realize it's all relative, but it still sucks.

So, between not knowing how much weightloss is due to dehydration and the scales being all wonky, I'm just not weighing in this week. Next week's may be up due to the scale issue, but whatever, I'll deal. At least I'll know it's a semi-accurate weight and not a "fake" one due to a bad virus.

For those that usually check in with me on Fridays, how was your week?

Pic Week!

2009-02-20T04:23:00.000-08:00

Starting Weight: 233.2
Last Weeks' Weight: 223
This week's Weight: 222.0
Week loss: 1 lbs
Total loss: 11.2 lbs

This was a good week for me. I really tried to focus on my diet and not overindulge and I made it to the gym 4 times (five tomorrow morning). Today is Mike's birthday and we're having our cousins (hi Michele!) over tonight and then going out with 12 people tomorrow night for dinner and drinks. Luckily, we're going for sushi and I plan on drinking red wine so hopefully I can keep the caloric intake level low.

I also upped my intensity during my classes at the gym this week as I wasn't getting the same OhMyGodI'mGoingToDie feeling anymore. So I added a riser under my step and have been attempting to power-up my moves (meaning you add a jump to each step) and have managed to get through most of a class like that and still feel human afterward.

I'm truly amazed at how great of shape I've gotten myself in only 6 weeks at this gym taking these classes. I don't fatigue or get out of breath and my heart rate never goes above where it's supposed to. I'm starting to actually feel strong and healthy again and I love it.

I haven't lost any pant sizes yet but I'm starting to really notice a physical difference. No one else has noticed other than my mother and she really doesn't count as far as that goes. I'm just happy my double chin is shrinking. Can you see a difference?

Here are my Week 8 Pics:

Sonofamotherlessgoat

2009-02-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I wrote more in depth about this for my next post over at Bodies, but I wanted to vent here too.

I did my measurements yesterday and after six weeks of total ass-kicking at the gym, I have lost 2 inches from my hips/ass, 2 inches fro my lower waist/belly button area, and 1.5 inches from my waist.

So, yay, right?

BUT

BUT

I GAINED an INCH in each quad muscle and almost an inch in each bicep.

I'm officially Amazon.

The Biggest Loser

2009-02-17T18:49:00.001-08:00

As I sit here watching the biggest loser and watch the contestants bust their butt every week I can't help but think "why is it so hard for me to stay focused". Granted they are away on a ranch with the top trainers in the world and have healthy food right at their fingertips. I would love to have that opportunity but I also realize that I can do it on my own as well. A few months back I joined a "biggest loser" contest with my cousins and we all did great. I miss that team work. That is why I have asked to start writing on this blog to keep myself accountable like all the other women writing. I feel like I am part of a team again and I'm so excited to post my progress as well as read everyone else's success stories. Good Luck Ladies!!

Wednesday Feb. 17, 2009

Starting Weight - 188 lbs.
Goal Weight - 155 lbs.

Medium

2009-02-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

Cass reporting in. Boy I just haven't written much of anything lately, have I? I'm not sure what my problem was/is. I got on the scale this morning and saw 141 - that's a good number for me. I'm really hopeful that I will get out of the 40's this month and be in the 30's for March. I haven't seen 130 anything since the 90's. And because VH1 has specials about the 90's I think that means it was a REALLY long time ago.

I read the book Skinny Bitch a few weeks ago - AndreAnna asked if she should read it and I said "No, you really like food too much and this would break your spirit" and it would. If you love food - if you love meat and eggs and cheese and dairy do not read this book. If you just like these things then I would check it out. Since reading that book I haven't consumed anything with legs. I still have had cheese but more sparingly then before. I switched to Soy milk. I'm growing my own sprouts (I just felt my mothers eyes roll - but it's honestly fun to grow something when it's freaking frigid outside). No eggs, which is a big switch for me because I hadn't gone a day without eggs in a really long time.

I feel better. I do. I feel lighter and not just 2lbs lighter, I'm not bloated like I used to be and I don't have that yucky feeling that I used to have after I ate dairy. And I don't feel tired and sluggish after I get up from the table where I just ate a burger. And also, I have not worked out. At all. It's cold outside and Jillian pissed me off and I simply haven't wanted to work out. So to lose 2lbs on diet alone is pretty good.

Is this the rest of my life? I'm not sure. While I felt morally and ethically upset about the animal treatment that was spoken about in the book I personally know farmers that do right by their animals so I know that I could shop responsibly and eat food that I felt confident wasn't mistreated in such inhumane ways. So I'm not going to say I've had my last burger or my last chicken roasted with 40 cloves of garlic - but I can say that I feel good and I like that feeling so I'm going to keep on keeping on.

My entire life I've been medium. Medium is my size. Medium pants. Medium tops. Medium. I was putting on my Gap Favorite T in Medium the other day and it was TOO big. I bought a small. Me. I bought a small. That's my new favorite word. Small.

I'll take it.

2009-02-13T09:36:00.001-08:00

Down about a pound, but I'm happy with that.

223.

Almost out of the 220s.

How was your week?

Friday

2009-02-06T03:21:00.000-08:00

Despite being sick and snacking on an endless amount of empty calories because I had no energy to cook, I managed to still be down this week, even if it isn't by much.

I also had to take 10 days off from the gym and getting my ass back there on Wednesday was no easy feat. But I fell back into the rhythm and was looking forward to my Thursday class. As much as I love the gym, once I'm out of the routine it is definitely hard to get it back. Thankfully, this was only a week or so hiatus and my body was still in shape (well, I use "in shape" loosely) so there was no real pain going back other than having to get out of my pajamas.

Here are the numbers:

Starting Weight: 233.2
Last Weeks' Weight: 224.8
This week's Weight: 224.0
Week loss: 0.8 lbs
Total loss: 9.2 lbs

Overall, I'm pretty happy with this. It's almost 10 pounds in 8 weeks, which is a healthy long-term amount to lose.

I've also come to realize that I'm not in a race and that trying to lose more weight faster will most likely end up with me gaining some back. I'll take an average of 4 pounds a month because that means I'll get to my goal by the Disney trip in October where I'll be forced to wear a bathing suit. And most importanly, I'm getting fit and healthy and the scale does not reflect that. I get measured and my body fat tested and again in two or three weeks and I'm anxious to see what that measurement it.

I'd really like to get my body fat hydrostatically tested - the only true accurate way. They dunk you in water and will tell you how much your lean muscle mass and bones weigh so you know better where you stand. I tried to look but can't really find any places in the area that does this. Any suggestions?

How did you do this week?

Buying bras and other things that make me want to scream.

2009-02-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

By J

Today I went to L.Bryant to go and get some new bras. I have a musical I am attending this weekend with Princess (Legally Blonde! Yay!) and I needed new bras to go with my new clothes.

I love L.Bryant because their bras are comfy and the people who work there are always very kind and helpful. So today I went in and told the woman that I had lost some weight (30 lbs and counting) and needed to be fitted again. No problem.

The good news? I have gone down 4 inches in my bust line. That's insane right?! I love it!

The weird news? I have gone UP 3 (count them, 3!) cups sizes. I guess with every inch you lose around, your boobs are considered one cup size bigger.

Uh, yeah.

So, today I went from a 42C to a 38 DDD. DDD in one style bra, DD in another, go figure. ( Also, I hate sharing how fat I am, but I had to do it to get my point across.) How strange is that? Has anyone else ever experienced this? I am dumbfounded, but my bras fit great! The woman mentioned that I may have not been fitted correctly last time I was there, and/or that I am losing in my bust line but not actually losing my breasts. Which would be great, because then when I am thinner my boobs will look HUGE! :) She is a nurse at the hospital in the next town over, so I felt comfortable knowing that she might have some more knowledge on the human anatomy than most.

Total weight lost: 30+ lbs. No sigificant loss in the last 2 weeks. Boo.

Goals? Get to the gym at least 2 times next week and keep up with yoga at home. Also, walk to get Princess from school 2 times.

Good luck to everyone!

On the wagon

2009-02-01T08:16:00.000-08:00

By Kristin

I weighed myself this morning. I weighed 241 lbs. Even when pregnant with the twins, I'm not sure I weighed that much. It was a smack in the face, but one I knew was coming. After all, I have eaten four birthday cakes in the last month.

I know that I am not my weight; I am much more than that. With that said, I want to feel good about myself again. I want to put on clothes and feel comfortable in them. I want to be the person I envision myself to be. I want to own more than one pair of jeans that doesn't have holes in them from my thighs rubbing together.

I remember what it was like to be a smaller size and happier with myself. I enjoyed having my picture taken. I wasn't embarrassed when I went places, and my clothes fit better. I smiled more. I enjoyed making love to my husband. I miss those things, and that person.

I'm going to give Weight Watchers a try again. I need to dust off my treadmill and my IPod.

I'll keep you posted.

Ughhhhh and Waahhhhh

2009-01-30T04:18:00.000-08:00

In between snot dripping out of my nose and coughing up my left lung, I managed to weigh myself this morning.

Starting Weight: 233.2
Last Weeks' Weight: 226.8
This week's Weight: 224.8
Week loss: 2 lbs
Total loss: 8.4 lbs

I was only able to get to the gym three times this week - Sat, Sun, and Mon and by Tuesday I was contracting the plague. I missed my kickboxing class on Wed and my Interval class on Thursday. And there ain't no way in hell I'm even changing out of my pajamas today.

I will also miss the gym tomorrow because 1) I'm sure I won't feel up to it and 2) We're going to see Disney on Ice. Mike is working a 12-hour shift on Sunday so unless I put on Jillian, it looks like I'm not going to see the gym till Monday at the earliest.

I hate that.

I will just have to be super vigilant over my diet to counteract the fact that I can't really work out without death.

What do you do when you're sick? How do you manage your diet and fitness?

The scale

2009-01-26T04:59:00.000-08:00

How do you deal with the scale?

Do you weigh yourself every day? every week?

Do you have to force yourself NOT to get on any scale you see and critique yourself for even the most minor infractions?

Does the scale hold you accountable every day or make you miserable?

A winner and a Loser.

2009-01-22T18:41:00.000-08:00

The winner of the pants is Amanda! Congrats and I'll be mailing out your hot ass pants on Monday when I'm back on the cold side of the country.

This walking weather has been good for my tush. On the flip side I made a REALLY rich dinner last night of Penne Vodka with Shrimp and Tiramisu. Not. Low. Fat. At. All. But I've learned something very important in making this very rich, very delicious meal. I learned that I shouldn't make these things unless I want to feel like my ass is getting bigger because when you make these things and you eat them your ass, it gets bigger. Fun how that works, right?

I don't have a scale and I'm glad about this because it's making me think about how I feel more. I don't have a full length mirror and that's also good because it's making me feel how I look more. It's good all around this scale/full length mirror situation. I kind of like me right now. And if I had either a scale or a mirror I would have stood on and in front of them for at least thirty minutes after eating the above mentioned dinner and after that standing and looking I wouldn't have liked me very much.

So that's what you have today. A winner (Amanda) and a Loser (me, happily).

One Month Check in

2009-01-22T04:45:00.000-08:00

It's been four weeks since I started the serious journey. I've worked really hard, mostly at forcing myself to go to the gym. But after making myself go the first couple of weeks, I started to really look forward to it. I almost NEEDED it. I feel so damn good after a good workout; it even hels chase away the winter blues for that time being. Now, I go to four classes a week minimum and I look forward to every one.

I also started writing a blog called Fat Genes to Skinny Jeans for Linda (from All & Sundry) on her Bodies in Motivation website. This is doing a great job of keeping me motivated because I feel like people are looking to me for advice and help and I can't let them down by not being the best I can be, ya know? Come over and say hi! And peruse around a bit; there's a lot of great articles and writers over there.

Anyway, I weighed in this morning instead of tomorrow and took my monthly picture since it has been exactly four weeks. And when I woke up, I kind of chuckled to myself because I was wearing the same pajama pants I wore in the first set of pictures, so it was fitting.

Todays Weight: 226.8
Last weeks Weight:229.2
Original Weight: 233.2
Week Loss: 2.4
Total Loss: 6.4

I'm pretty happy this morning and unless I'm trying to see things that aren't there (which is entirely likely considering it's only 6 lbs), I can finally see a tiny bit of difference in my pictures, especially the side view. My upper belly looks a little flatter, my double chin seems to have receded, and behind my arm is less bulbous. Lucky for me, my stomach is the first place I gain weight and the last place I lose it.

I know my body is tighter and stronger because I feel it. I just hope that as I keep pushing, it will be more and more visible.

(And no, I haven't been tanning. The flash must have been set a little different this time.)

Shred It

2009-01-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Posted by Pocklock

Am I the only one who, immediately after working out, runs to the mirror and scrutinizes every single muscle group? Who stares at the flab wondering if there's maybe just a little less flab there than was there prior? Yes? Thought so. Ridiculous.

So I'm on Day 3 of Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. I'm no where near moving off of Level One. I have, however, set some goals for myself surrounding Level One.

Goal 1: Get your freaking knees off the floor during push-ups.
Goal 2: Actually make it through BOTH push-up sets without collapsing on the floor in a heap.
Goal 3: That cardio circuit that goes Jumping Jacks/Jump Rope/Jumping Jacks/Jump Rope? Make it through without looking like Shelly Winters in the Poseidon Adventure.
Goal 4: Use the hand weights the ENTIRE time Jillian does, not just during the first set. They're only 3lbs!

Once I successfully meet those goals, I will move up to Level Two. I feel like I'm not even close to taking it to the next level, but I feel really good about the three times I've done it so far. I mean, I totally rock at Butt Kicks.

--------

I'm totally trying to eat better and consume less junk. Whenever I do that though, there's a little voice in my head that tells me how All Carbs Are Bad and I can't eat rice or pasta. I think I need to change this little voice.

I think most of you are Moms. I'm not sure how many of you breastfed, but if you did, even if it was for a short period of time, then you have certainly experienced The Hunger. The Hunger is not to be messed with. The Hunger can turn you into a complete and total monster. And in my case lately, The Hunger can not be beat until it gets itself some effing carbs.

I've tried to increase the protein and the fiber instead, but I just burn right through it. Nothing fills me up. And if I do feel full? I'm starving no less than 3o minutes later. I'm terrified of cutting back too much because I've had issues with my milk supply and have struggled with nursing exclusively. As much as I'm motivated to get healthy, I will stop at it being the reason to stop breastfeeding my kid. I've had PLENTY of reasons to stop nursing already and I haven't so I'm not going to let this be the one to break me.

So, baby steps. I've introduced the Shred. I've definitely cut back on the junk, but I can't completely cut out carbs and sugars without risking my breastfeeding status. I think this is okay.

As for last weeks goals, let's just say that it was a colossal FAIL. I never made it to the pool, I ate a bag of potato chips, the Wii is still collecting dust, Shred didn't arrive until Saturday so I only did it once before Sunday, and we ran out of food so I had to buy my lunch in the cafeteria twice.

Revisions for this week:

1. Shred Level I with the above goals in mind 4 times.

2. Stay active. Take a family trip to the mall just to walk. DO NOT BUY ANYTHING (this has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with the bank account).

3. Stay off the damn scale. You know it hates you.

4. Take the stairs at all times.

I really should be able to do all of that. Then perhaps we'll add the pool back in for next week.

Happy Shredding!

luluemon CONTEST

2009-01-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

Cass here reporting LIVE from Santa Barbara. They have a luluemon store here. I had read about these pants but really I had NO idea how awesome they were. Because they inspired me to workout and because they make my ass look like it did in 1998 (a good year for ass as far as I'm concerned) I'm going to be very generous and host a contest. ONE DAY ONLY. Tomorrow at 12pm PST I will be leaving to go back to the luluemon store to buy another pair of these ridiculous expensive pants because hello!?!?!?! ass + good + workout = Amazing.

Leave 1 single comment with your size (see here for size information) and I will pick you up a pair of black groove pants. Now go tell everyone about this contest because THIS can not be passed up people. LULUEMON!!!

Results and Band Fills

2009-01-21T10:21:00.001-08:00

Posted by J

Today I am going in for my second band fill. I realized that a lot of you may not know what this is or how it is done. I am going to find a video for you all to see, to understand it better. Until then, I will explain it to you to the best of my ability.

The band is connected to a port just under the muscle on my left side (about 7 inches below my left boob). When I get a fill my doctor meets me at the hospital and does it under fluoroscope. Basically, she can see inside of me the whole time, which means quick, painless and easy. She takes a needle and (while watching the fluoroscope) sticks it directly into my port. Then, she injects saline into it, which flows down into the band itself, making it tighter. And, voila! Done!

Here is the link to the Realize website. It shows a short video on how the band works, and it is animated, so there is no blood or actual humans involved. (I hate blood, so that's why I mentioned it.) I can't embed it, so please just follow the link!

Wish me luck! I leave here in 25 minutes!

-J

PS. Updates, for you all.

Lbs lost since surgery: 30
Inches lost since surgery: 26
Surgery date: November 25, 2008
Days since surgery: 57

The woes of flub

2009-01-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Posted by AndreAnna

Ok, so we all know by my pictures and my weight that I have a little extra jiggle in my wiggle.

On top of that, I have excess skin in many places from being supremely overweight for much of my life - under my arms in that bird-flap area, my inner thighs, etc. I deal with it and eventually will get it removed when I reach and maintain my goal weight. Usually, it causes no problems other than the cosmetic ones; it's ugly and gross but whatever. I deal.

Now, unfortunately, this extra flub is causing more issues. Because of the 4-5 aerobics/kickboxing classes I take each week, parts of my body that rub together are starting to chafe and get sore. When you take step classes or do any upper body moves in kickboxing, your arms are in continual motion, up and down over your heart, punch, hook, jab. This, in turn, is making the flub under my arms rub against my shirt, worse in a tank top when I have no other barrier for my arm. Add in the dry, cold weather and I've developed these red, dry rashes that hurt and burn, which despite thick creams, get re-irritated continually.

I also have it on my stomach, where my pants meet from jumping jacks or any activity which makes my flub bounce (nice imagery, right?) and rub against my skin.

Each day I am getting in better shape and can feel it. (Today was the first class I took in three weeks where I could do the WHOLE class without modifying moves down to my level.) But this? Blows.

I know it's from the winter and dry heat and friction and I also know it will go away. I just wanted to whine about it I guess.

Me. Unsucked in.

2009-01-17T11:22:00.000-08:00

This past week was full of excuses why I didn't do better with my goals. I'm not going to harp on them. I'm just going to say, first I got my period (we all know how much that sucks when you're trying to motivate to lose weight), and then we celebrated my little girl's 2nd birthday and I was consumed in the preparations.

I did okay on my goals this past week. Not great, but not bad either. I've been pretty mindful of what I'm eating. This week I did lose weight, not much, just a pound, bringing me to 220, but still it's a loss so I'll take it. Considering I had my period, I consider it a win!

I drank a ton of water this week, or so it feels. I filled my water bottle most days in the morning and then refilled at lunch and then refilled before going back up to my desk.

I counted most of my points. Mostly I just kept mental track. And I watched my portions of what I was eating. The birthday cake set me over the edge I'm sure.

I got to the gym once. And that one time was today. And I was on the treadmill for 65 minutes. I don't remember the last time I had motivation to get up on the treadmill for more than 35 minutes. But today I did it. It told me I burned 665 calories and went a distance of 4.33 miles. I ran, I walked, I sprinted at the very end. I didn't want to overdo it the first day so I didn't push myself to run too hard. There will be plenty of days in the coming weeks, I'll push myself.

I didn't get to do anything fun and active with Cassie, mostly because she's been on this anti sleeping thru the night kick and I've been exhausted all darn week.

I also did well with making sure I had veggies. I did buy some V8 Fusion (as per Andreanna's comment) and I loved it, although I'm not thrilled with the sugar content, so I have to weigh my options there. I did eat veggies throughout the week with my meals, and tonight we are having a Cobb Salad feast, so plenty-o-veggies coming my way tonight.

A bonus goal that was not on my list last week was to start taking a multi vitamin. I picked up a bottle of them last weekend and have been good about remembering to take them each day. (Note: when I cracked open the bottle the first day I said to hubbie, "Hey, how many times a day do I have to take these "One-a-Day" vitamins?" I was totally kidding, and he was not amused and didn't even fall into my trap like I thought he would. I thought he'd answer anyway without thinking about it, but he didn't!

So I know I promised pictures last weekend, but didn't get around to it with all the running around we did trying to beat the snow storm and then go out to Long Island for a baptism. So I had hubbie take pictures this morning. Let me tell you, it was freezing, taking these pictures this morning. brrrr

These pictures make me so depressed, yet motivated to make a change and DO something about it. Not to mention the torture it was the try and get hubbie to take pictures. He just does not know how to handle the Nikon :)

My goals for this next week now that my period is gone:

1. get to the gym 2 times

2. Do Jillian Michaels at least 3 times this week.

3. Make an effort to have fresh vegetables, not frozen or as aprt of a can of soup.

4. Lose weight. More than just one pound.

Here we go...the journey continues!!!

Frustrated. Also: I suck

2009-01-16T05:06:00.001-08:00

Posted by AndreAnna

Ok, peeps. (Oh yes I DID just use the word "peeps.") I am getting pissed off. And I guess it's at myself.

I am back to where I was the week before last.

Starting weight: 233.4
Last week's weight: 230.2
Current weight: 229.2
Week loss: 1
Total loss 4.2

I took THREE aerobics classes this week (it will be four after tomorrow morning's class). Three hour-plus-long, intense cardio, weight training classes. I was sore and tired, red-faced and huffing. But I did it. I like how I feel afterward and I like how my body feels like it's starting to tighten together.

I notice that as I take more of these classes, I'm getting better at them. I can push harder and longer. I can do more jumping jacks (note: wear pantyliner and pants with drawstrings if you've ever had a baby.) than I could before. I can swing my arms more, kick higher, stretch more.

I feel GOOD and proud of myself.

But the scale barely moved this week.

I want to blame it on my impending period, which makes me want to eat everything not nailed down and makes me feel bloated and irritable (which in turn makes me want to eat more crap.)

I want to blame the fact that in doing all of these weight training classes, I am building muscle, which weights more than fat. Dudes, you should see my quads and calves from these step and kickboxing classes - I'm getting so diesel. Or manly-scary. You decide.

But maybe I should man up and take the blame. Like on the fact that I had guacamole and chips for dinner last night when I got in at 830 from the gym - a cardinal no-no. Or the fact that I shoved 10 marshmallows in my mouth while making hot cocoa for my kid.

Today, I feel like the Good Me is very disappointed in the Bad Me. I work so hard only to seemingly sabotage myself with guacamole late at night because let me tell you people - an hour and 15 minutes of kickboxing, lunges, and power squats makes you HONGRAY.

But I should have had a yogurt or a cup of warm milk. Not chips and guacamole, even if I did measure out a servings size.

Today, I feel like I suck.

BUT I did get some bloodwork results back from the doctor yesterday and my cholesterol is 180 so at least the eating healthy thing is doing it's job for my health. That made me very proud.
----

Goals for the week:
-Put the scale away and only weigh myself on Friday mornings. I sabotage myself this way too. If during the week, I get on the scale and see it's down a couple more pounds than expected, I give myself too much leeway. This is what happened this week. On Tuesday, I was 227. Sigh.
-drink more water. I suck at this.
-Not eat ANYTHING after 6 pm.
-Take 4 aerobics/toning classes.

Real

2009-01-12T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hi. I'm Allyson. Better known as Pocklock.

I'm here because I want to be. Because I need to be. And because I should've been a long time ago.

My daughter, Lyla Bean, was born in August. I gained 34 lbs during my pregnancy. I lost all of it in 10 weeks (Thank you breastfeeding). And then I started putting it back on. As I've been putting it back on, my attitude, my mood, my self-esteem and my general outlook on things have taken a turn downhill. I'm not sure if it's all because of the way that I look or if it's something bigger than that. Maybe I need a couple manicures, a new haircut and a really freaking big cup of coffee and I'll feel better.

Maybe I won't.

While I've always obsessed over my weight, I didn't struggle with it during my entire life. I was a three-season athlete (you had to be at my high school) and an extremely active person. While I indulged in fast-food and dessert at times, I never craved it or needed it or even cared about it. I always knew how to eat, knew what was healthy and what wasn't, knew when I was full, and knew when to stop.

I never paid attention to the number on the scale. If I did, it always depressed me. I do not have a thin build. I'm thick. Athletic. Usually muscular. And the number on the scale would always read "obese" on whatever chart I found. I just went by my clothes. My jeans specifically. If they got too tight, I stopped eating crap. Usually within a couple of weeks, all was better.

I got married in 2006 to a wonderful man who was born with a small bladdar and a sweet tooth. Aside from having to stop every couple of hours while touring London and Paris on our honeymoon so that he could pee, the small bladdar didn't affect me. His sweet tooth did. My Mom battled her weight her whole life so there was never cookies or candy or cake or any kind of dessert in our house when I was a kid. I got married and these things appeared in my kitchen. And I ate them. And I liked them. And 20-lbs, two dress sizes, and a miscarriage later, I went to Weight Watchers.

I re-learned how to eat. I found new recipes (and made him cook for me because cook, I cannot) and got excited about healthy food again. I went for walks. I started to feel better about myself! And after three months, my clothes fit again.

And then I got pregnant!

At my Yes-you-really-are-pregnant appointment, I weighed 155 and was comfortably back in my size 8's. I then proceeded to have the worst morning/afternoon/night sickness and for 14 hideous weeks, the sight of food made me heave. I survived on a couple tablespoons of white rice, stoned wheat crackers, and water that entire time. I lost 10 pounds. For a pregnant chick, I was skinny. And I hadn't weighed that little since middle school.

Then the nausea ended and Hallelujah let's eat! When I delivered Bean, I weighed 189 pounds. And I was so freaking happy.

I panicked when the decision was made, after 30 hours of labor and 3 epidurals that didn't work, for me to have a c-section. I knew I'd have to wait longer to start my post partum workouts than if I had a vaginal delivery. How selfish and sick that I thought that when my own safety and that of my baby's was a factor.

Not that it really mattered. Aside from doing Wii Fit 3-times and doing laps around the mall with the baby in the Moby Wrap just to get her to sleep for more than 20 minutes, there hasn't been one real post partum workout. Like one that involved sweat.

That's all about to change.

Last night I weighed 158.5 lbs. I'm wearing a size 8 jeans, but they're all new. Not one of my pre-pregnancy pairs of jeans fit right. I look like a sausage when I try to get in them. And it makes me miserable.

I have set acheivable goals this week. Some of them are lame, but I need to start small because the second I get defeated, I'll be heading for the cookies. Or the french fries. Or the Hershey's kisses. You get my point.

Week 1 Goals:

- Go to the pool ONCE. Swim for 30 minutes. Do not count laps. (This will be exercise as well as a much needed break from my life where no one can talk to me and I can't smell dirty diapers)

- Do not eat cookies or potato chips. (Starting. Small.)

- Wii Fit x 2

- SHRED arrives on Wednesday. Do it twice before Sunday.

- Bring lunch to work instead of buying from the cafeteria. (This should stop impulse eating as well as be a bit of a financial perk)

And here are my photos.

I'm hoping to get a support forum here. I'm hoping to feel good about this. To not be judged. To not be critiqued. To just be me. Real.

Week one wrap up

2009-01-12T05:40:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

I am going to weigh-in on Mondays (even though last week I started on a Tuesday) because I like to start a fresh new week each week, and what day is better for doing that then on a Monday right?

Ok, so I weighed in this morning at 252lbs - down 5lbs. I'm very happy with five pounds and hope as the weeks go by I see more and more drop.

This was a hard week. With my birthday being yesterday I faced many birthday food and cake challenges. On Friday my office threw a birthday party for me and, even though they new I was dieting, there were chips and cakes and food galore - now I know why my entire office needs to go on the Biggest Loser. I was a very good girl and only had a tiny bit of everything, and even only ate half of my piece of very yummy chocolate raspberry cake.

Yesterday it was relatively easy to be a good girl. I didn't do our normal family birthday dinner because my parents where at my sisters house babysitting while they went and picked up their new puppy. My mom took my son with them so I could have a few hours to myself, and I was able to run some errands and go to a weight watchers meeting. You will never hear my complain about my son or how hard it is to be a single mother because I just can't do it, but I will say that it was very nice to be able to go to a few stores alone (well, I was w/ my bff) and not have to worry about keeping one eye on the aisle and the other for where Colin was.

My friend and I had planned to go to the movies and lunch but there really wasn't anything playing that was worth it for us, so we decided to just do lunch after shopping. I quickly realized while driving up and down the highway that there really is just no safe place for me to go and get something healthy while also staying on a budget. We did eventually settle on a place about and hour later, but that was only after I had become very frustrated on how much of a pain in the ass is was to have to deal with that on my birthday. Ah well.

Once I got back to my sisters to pick up Colin we hung out for a bit waiting for the puppy, and then they came home with pizza for everyone to eat. I was very good and hung out in the living room with the kids and the puppy while they ate. I wasn't hungry and I'm really working on not eating when I'm not hungry. Of course I wanted a slice of pizza just to eat it. But I didn't, and I'm proud of myself.

Afterwards Col and I headed home and when we got there we sat down at the kitchen table to have some birthday cake. Colin had gone out in the morning with my mom to pick me up some pretty pink flowers, and pick out my cake, and was very excited about it. I honestly didn't want to eat it, but I also didn't want to disappoint him. I poured him and I two glasses of milk and cut him a nice size piece and I took a half of a serving slice for me. He sang happy birthday to me, just him and me - it was really sweet, and we just talked about his day with his cousins and about the new puppy.

I was able to keep a few goals this week so that made me happy. I got to the gym a few times, and I also met with a personal training who showed me a great weight training routine that I'm still feeling today. I got pretty close to drinking all my water, but I have found it really hard to get it all in while sitting in my office. Yesterday while I was at weight watchers I bought 32 oz water container that I will fill up and keep at my desk, and refill throughout the day, and hopefully that will help me to get in all my water.

I did keep one goal 100%, and that was taking my vitamins! Yeah for me! That was a really tough one, but I have gotten myself into a pill taking routine that I will hopefully be able to keep it up. And lastly, I only weighed myself once this whole week, and that was this morning!! It was really nice to see the number go down. I'm glad I'm making conscious effort not to weigh myself everyday, it's definitely helping.

Ok goals for this week:

* Monday, Wednesday, Friday: Light cardio and weight training

* Tuesday & Thursday: Hardcore cardio!

* Continue to take vitamins everyday!

* Use my new water jug to help get in all my water

* Follow my points and track everything I put in my mouth. Be aware!

Alrighty that's it for this weeks wrap up, hope everyone else had a good week too!

Shredded - Level TWO

2009-01-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking in bullets so that's how we'll do this.

143lbs - that's what the scale said so this Shred and Lean Cuisine thing is doing something and I swear one day this past week I saw an abdominal muscle.
Ross needs to learn to guess better. Last week I was 144 so when I told him I lost weight and he guessed 141 it was a bummer because it WASN'T 141 it was just 1lb but at the same time it's ONE whole pound. That's great.
Lean Cuisine's are great because they are a portion size. Lean Cuisine's suck because they are a portion size and I am used to two portions.
Level TWO of shred is flipping difficult. Squat Thrusts. SERIOUSLY SQUAT THRUSTS. Who the hell can do those? I was all lame and doing the Mountain Climbers and those were STILL flipping difficult.
Friday we leave for California and I am going to be very aware of stress eating this week because this is a giant stresser. On the flip side I'll be in a warm local where I will be out walking and enjoying sunshine.

The Pound for Pound Challenge

2009-01-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

Lose weight to help feed America.

You can pledge to lose up to two pounds a week from now until May 5th. I've pledged to lose at least 34lbs between now and then and you can join now too:

Click here to pledge

Drinking the Life After “Kool Aid”…

2009-01-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

…all the cool kids are doing it!

...of course the Kool Aid is sugar free, fat free, carb free and has no calories whatsoever so I won’t gain any weight. heehee

I am Peggy (a.k.a. “lilfootsmommy”) from Tales of Li’l Foot…

I’ve read along as all of these wonderful ladies have embarked on their crusade to "Life After". I’ve admired how they’ve really tackled it and taken ownership of the task they have at hand. I’ve contemplated doing it myself. And I had my fears, my doubts (of myself, not them) and been hesitant to put myself out there for all the interweb to see just how many pounds make up my body. It’s a sore spot. I can’t stand that’s it’s gotten this bad, but I want to do something about it, dog gone it.

And so, following the rules, I give full disclosure of my weight and everything it takes to get to my goal. Both long and short term.

I’ve always felt like I weighed more than my peers. And I’ve always felt down about it. In junior high I tried out for the freshman basketball team in a secret effort to try and get in shape. I don’t even like basketball, but it was my only option at the time. Needless to say I didn’t make the team. I was devastated. The coach didn’t know my secret. No one did. My sister tried to get me on the team by talking to the coach. The coach was a jerk with a face that looked like a rake had been dragged across it and wouldn’t hear it. So I never tried out for basketball again.

When I got to high school I tried out for soccer, and I made the team. I played JV then Varsity and I found my niche. I had played as a child and was back on the field. I love being competitive, but I hated the try out phase of the process because I had to compete against my own teammates. At our junior high (which is where try outs for JV & Varsity were) in order to run to the track, we had to run up hill. It was killer. And I made it my personal mission to make sure I was not the last to finish the run, even if it hurt a little more.

Throughout high school I was probably around 165 pounds, if I am to venture a guess. I have always thought even though I have weighed a little more than I should, I have a lot of muscle mass. I have soccer thighs and calves, that’s just the facts. In order to stay in shape in the off season of soccer, I was cheerleading, both football and basketball. I will always maintain that cheerleading IS a sport, even though there are no scores to be kept, it is a GREAT workout.

For the most part in college I think I probably weighed somewhere around 195, but always lied and said I was no more than 175 if I had to divulge my weight. It was always painful to utter those numbers no matter what they were. There were many factors I believe contributed to gaining weight throughout college.

#1 Eating habits of college students are awful. I was eating crappy breakfasts, if at all. I was ordering Chinese and pizza at all hours of the night…yummmmm Charlie’s chicken parm calzones on 242nd Street in the Bronx were to die for. And the cafeteria was up a huge hill from anywhere I was on campus, so I often opted to just make some ramen noodles in the dorm. Healthy, right?

#2 I am convinced my gaining weight in college caused my periods to become sporadic at best, so I actually went on birth control to regulate them. Well, that and I met LFD and became sexually active. And then being on birth control makes you gain weight anyway, so that didn’t help my cause for trying to lose weight.

#3 S.t.r.e.s.s. It was awful. I feared not graduating, and I procrastinated, so it really was self inflicted stress, but just the same, I ate when I was stressed, hence the all hours of the night feeding frenzies.

My weight was out of control. With all those factors, I ballooned up above 200 pounds. It was so horrific to even think it could happen. I continued to play soccer in college and then softball for two of the 4 years, but by then it was too late, I was not active enough and I was packing on the pounds.

And I have continued to pack on the pounds. I have a wonderful husband who cooks our meals. If I was left to my own cooking, I probably wouldn’t eat as much and probably lose weight, but who knows. It would probably be ramen night, every night, if I was left to my own devices.

Back in 2006 I went on Weight Watchers for 12 weeks. The rep from WW came to our office for the meetings once a week, so it was easy to get to the meetings. Who doesn’t want an excuse to be away from their desk for whatever the reason, right? I succeeded on WW, and over the course of 12 weeks I lost a total of 25 pounds, exactly. I was so proud of myself. Never before had I tried and succeeded in losing so much weight in such a short time. Shortly there after, our daughter was conceived after trying for 2 & ½ years to make a baby. I firmly believe my weight was the reason I couldn’t get pregnant and stay pregnant (I miscarried once the Fall prior, which is what prompted me to tackle my weight).

After having Cassie, I breastfed and lost all baby weight within mere weeks (I know, I know, I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, I was still overweight no matter what I was pre-baby). I’ve pretty much maintained that pre-pregnancy weight over the last two years except for the miscellaneous pounds put on and taken off during and after winter. Last spring I lost the 13 pounds I put on during the winter, just to get me back to pre-pregnancy weight.

So here I am, I am going to expose it all. My weight, my measurements, my faults, everything! Full disclosure! And with that, I am pledging to share my progress, my goals and what is working for me, along with what isn’t.

I have been losing weight for the past week or so. While I think I should just start from today, I feel I need to really just put it all out there and tell you where I started from. So I will start by giving you my weight from when I really started this “Life After” journey.

Last week, when I weighed in I was 225 pounds. (Ugh, I cringe saying it and disclosing that information, but I have to.) I think I just heard your jaw hit the floor. Those of you who do know me in person probably had no idea it was that bad. That would be because I’ve lived in a world of “suck it in” for many many years. I can’t remember the last time I’ve put on clothes and not “sucked it in”. It’s become an unfortunate way of life for me. It is also so very unacceptable and sad.

Monday I was 223.

Yesterday I was 222.

Today I am 221.

See? Already I have positive results.

One thing you should know is I love the scale. I know, I’m totally weird like that, but it keeps me in check. It keeps me accountable. So when I diet and am trying to lose weight, I am that person that weighs themselves at least once a day, if not twice. Once when I wake up, and once when I get home from work to see how I did that day, and what I can afford to give myself for dinner. It probably sounds silly, but it helps me.

I’ve yo-yo’d so much in my weight over the years and truly none of the weights I’ve had are acceptable. While on this journey, I am doing a couple things to help me along the way.

#1 I’ll be blogging here to keep me accountable to you and to myself, because if I have to report to you, I have to succeed otherwise I’ll consider myself a failure.

#2 Weight Watchers – I will not go to meetings, although they are extremely helpful and were a source of accountability when I did have that 12 week session. I do not have the money right now to shell out to Weight Watchers and plus, that’s why I have you. You are keeping accountable whether you know it or not. And with WW, I know I will be more in tuned to the food that I eat and the quantity I eat.

#3 Discovery National Body Challenge – I signed up last week, and promptly lost my username and password, so I set up another account yesterday.

Weight: I am at 222 (as of yesterday) and I should be 138 pounds.
BMI: I am at 37.98 and I should be at 23.72.

I’m not going to say this will never happen. I’m just going to say I’m going to work hard to get there no matter how long it takes. This Discovery challenge spans 8 weeks. My goal for that 8 weeks is to get to 205 pounds. I hope to shatter that goal and surpass it, but at this point, baby steps, right? I’ll do what I can.

#4 Exercise – My husband and I have a gym membership. I am ashamed to say that we have paid for it month after month and gone without using it month after month. We pay them so that we don’t go…what kind of logic is that? I have Jillian Michaels shred. I’ve done it once in the almost three months I’ve owned it. It’s a great workout. There is so much more I can be doing in the exercise category, considering I’ve been doing nothing unless you count toting around a toddler exercise.

I do not have my measurements or pictures right now. I will be tackling that project this weekend and will post all of that information.

For right now, I am going to give myself some motivation. I am doing this for ME! I am doing this for my family. I am doing this so that I can be active with my daughter and not feel tired and lazy and worn out when she wants or needs my attention. I am doing this to feel good. I am doing this so I don’t shutter every time I see a picture of myself. I am doing this to head off problems with my health later in life. I am doing this to rekindle that competitive fire I had in high school and college. I am doing this because I believe in myself!

My goals for the coming week are:

#1 Lose weight, not gain, even if it’s an ounce or two, I’ll be headed the right direction.

#2 Get to the gym at least 2 times.

#3 Do something fun and active with Cassie that will get my heart rate going even if it’s just dancing around the living room to music.

#4 Eat at least a vegetable a day. This sounds silly, but there are days I’ve had no vegetables recently and that thought makes me sick.

#5 Count my points on WW every day. According to my weight, I get 26 points per day, plus if I exercise I get extra points. It’s important that I use the points I have.

#6 Drink at least 48 ounces of water each day. That’s two of my Camelbak bottles. I can do that, easily.

Whew, this was a seriously long post. Sorry! I thought, “full disclosure” meant everything from the time I was born apparently. If you actually made it this far, you are more dedicated than I thought and I’ll have to kick up my competitive edge even more! Thanks for reading and I’ll be sure to update this weekend once I’ve taken my measurements and pictures. And thank you for your support, it means the most.

Checking in

2009-01-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

By AndreAnna

I decided I'm going to take monthly pictures. Mostly because I'm lazy and it's a huge pain in the ass to set up the tripod and all that jazz. Plus, I'm hoping to be able to see some changes in the month-to-month shots.

Yesterday when I weighed myself in the morning, I was down a pound. I ate fairly well all day but had to put off my breakfast till much later than I should have because I had to get bloodwork done (run of the mill check up). So then I missed lunch, and then dinnertime was here and I was snacking on pretzels waiting for the Chinese food.

And although I chose healthy stuff from the menu - stir fried Schezuan chicken, edamame, chicken teriyaki skewers - it's still Chinese food. Add in a couple of dirty martinis with my friend that was over and you guess it.

I was up a pound this morning.

Last weeks weight:229.2
This Weeks Weight: 230.2
Gain. 1
Total loss: 3.2 pounds

I am not as upset as I should be about it because part of me knows I worked hard at the gym all week and that Chinese food and dirty martinis the night before a weigh-in is a recipe for failure.

I know I'll be down next week.

Dreams

2009-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

Some people dream of having a ton of money, and though it would be nice, I do not. Some people dream of having materialistic things, or going places that only dreams could create. I however, dream mainly of one thing, and that one thing is that I am a completely different person on the outside.

Anytime I dream, I do not see myself in those dreams as the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. I see a girl five pants sizes smaller. I see the girl that I feel I deserve to be. Never do I dream of myself the way I know I am. No matter what situation I am in in these dreams, whether it is me running from Vampires or Decepticons, or even picturing an upcoming event I’m excited about, I see a completely different person. I am still the same girl on the inside, but my outside, it’s half the size and is just oozing confidence. I find it completely just ridiculous that even in my subconscious I hate my appearance so much that I have to create a completely different person to replace myself with in my own dreams. And that? Makes me hate the way I look even more.

About a month ago I was planning a trip to take my five year old son to see Christmas in New York, a first for him and a first for myself. I was super excited. I had dreams of walking the streets of New York with my son hand in hand and just taking it all in. In this dream my perfect little boy was just as he is everyday, but he was holding the hand of the mother I wish I looked like. That little boy loves me more then anything. I am his only parent, and right now and hopefully always, he is fine with that. I believe that he is a son that loves his mom more then any child ever has. He gives me a million hugs and kisses whenever he can, and I hear I love you more and more every day. There will be times we will just be sitting on the couch watching TV and out of no where, even when he is in the middle of a cartoon coma, he will lean over, give me a kiss on the check and whisper “I love you mommy” - I melt each time.

Just a few hours ago I was sitting here on this laptop looking at the “before” pictures I had taken of myself on Tuesday, and was completely disgusted with what I saw, and still can‘t get myself to post them here. Colin came and jumped in the chair beside me because he wanted to sit with me to watch cartoons, and to see the pictures too. I was ashamed to let him see them because of just how horrible I had looked in them, and also I was afraid he would think something negative. But instead he says to me “Mommy, you look so pretty in your pictures” and then turned back around and continued to watch his cartoons. Just like that. I had to hold back my tears because I didn’t want him to see me cry, but that child had just touched my heart in ways he may never fully know, and I wish I could only just love myself even a third of that much.

To me, it’s sad that when I dream of spending time with my son, I don’t see the person I am and the person that he loves so much. I know he will love me no matter what size I am or how I look, but I want to be the best mom for him and be in his life for as long as I possibly can. And honestly, I don’t want him to get older and have my weight effect him. I don’t want him to go from the little innocent boy who thinks his mom is pretty no matter what, to being a 13 year old embarrassed to be seen out with his fat mom. Right now, he loves me and doesn’t see that I am fat, to him I’m just his mommy, and I want to be thinner before he realizes it. I want to be the person I see in my dreams.

…It’s just going to be a bitch to get there!

I ate it away.

2009-01-07T17:05:00.001-08:00

This confession is from Cass

For some reason I am stopping myself. I am getting in the way of my own goals. I am sabotaging myself. I made chocolate cupcakes which I then added mini-chocolate chips to because clearly it was just not enough chocolate. I was watching Oprah this week because she got fat again and it's her America and I freaking worship her. And I just had aha moment after aha moment.

They were talking about sugar and about how it literally makes your brain crazy and as I was watching the show I was thinking "shit, I'm crazy and I've been ingesting a shit load of sugar." So last night as I was watching The Biggest Loser I was thinking about the cupcakes and about how I should throw them out because #1 I was watching The Biggest Loser and #2 Sugar = More Crazy INSTEAD of throwing them out or putting them down the garbage disposal I ate one. And in my head I was thinking "see, one less cupcake laying around the house to distract you". So this morning I woke up feeling like ass, not sick, just ass. I was chit chatting with Lexi and I thought "I have to eliminate the sugar from this house. That MUST be it." I then walked down stairs and opted to not throw out the cupcakes again. I didn't want to be wasteful.

After dinner I was thinking about the cupcakes and I made myself a cup of tea. I enjoyed the tea. And then I saw the cupcakes and I thought "Just 2 left - I should just eat them. Then they'd be gone." And so. I did. And now I have remorse. Sure they are "gone" in the cupcake form but they are very much with me in the "you so crazy" and also the "you've got too much booty" way.

What the heck is up with me? WHY did I eat that crap gone? Am I the only one that does this? And what the hell possessed me to make the damn cupcakes to start with. It's not like I had loads of free time and thought "I'll make a relaxing batch of cupcakes". I'm feeling ashamed and also crazy from sugar. What do I do now?

The New Girl

2009-01-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

Posted by J

I think I have written this post about 5 bajillion different times, and each time I have deleted it. It's hard to write your very first post somewhere, explaining who you are and why you are there. Bear with me, though, okay?

I'm J from I'm a Trouble Maker and I'm new here at Life After. I contacted AndreAnna a few days ago about joining, and had my fingers crossed that she would give me the thumbs up. Since she has my nerves have been frazzled. I am so delighted to be here, and so nervous! It's like joining a cool new club and wondering if everyone will like you.

My weight loss battle began after I had my daughter 6 years ago. Before I had Princess I was a skinny bitch. Don't get me wrong, I always had an ass on me, and my thighs are killer, but I was about 125 when I got pregnant, and guess what? I sure as hell am not 125 now.

Unlike anyone else here, I have opted to take a different route in my weight loss. I am lucky enough to be covered under TriCare Prime, the military insurance, and was approved for the Realize Band procedure. The Realize Band is the same idea as the LapBand, just a different company who makes them. (Think Puffs vs. Kleenex)

I was banded on November 25, 2008. Right now I am about 50 days post-op and loving it. I know that some people may see what I did as a cheat, or the easy way out. If so, that is fine. You are welcome to your opinion. I can only say that I did what was right for me, and that I believe that it will help me become a healthier person.

AndreAnna told me that she thinks having me post here would be great, because I can share my experience with others who would like to know more about it, or who have thought about getting it done, also. I really hope that is true. I do not discuss my surgery on my other blog, because I believe it is my personal business. You will not see me mention it there, so don't be shocked. In the end, it comes down to this: I do not want my surgery to define me.

I am not my weight.

My weight is part of me, so I welcome the chance to talk about it all here, and not make it 100% of my life on my personal blog. (On which I say crude things and use the F word way too much.) I hope no one takes any offense to that.

Any questions you may have, I will answer truthfully. I really look forward to sharing my experience with you all here, and thank you for the kind welcome to the Cool New Club!

-J

One Third

2009-01-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

Posted by AndreAnna

Yesterday, I went to the gym in the morning to meet with a trainer. I wanted to get a good base measurement of my body and weight. She took all my measurements, weighed me, and then took my body fat with some electric thingamajig.

I am 35% body fat.

So if you know any math at all, that means that 1/3 of my body is FAT. Not water, not muscle, not organs or skin, but FAT.

I realize the accuracy could be off by a few percentages but still, that is A LOT. To get a better understanding, women in a normal/fit range should be between 20-25%. I am not.

I was down to just under 20% body fat the summer before my wedding when I was at my fittest. I realize that due to the fact I don't have three hours a day to spend at the gym like I used to (assuming I want to, you know, SLEEP) I may never be back down to that low of a percentage.

But I want to be at 25% again, at the high end of normal. I want my body to have lean muscle mass and kick the crap out of my metabolism. I want to feel strong.

So now although I am still concerned with my weight on the scale and WILL get below 200 before this year is over, my new goal is to drop 10% in body fat as well.

Because seriously? Being 1/3 fat just grosses me out.

Finding Inspiration

2009-01-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

Finding inspiration to lose weight is not at all like Finding Nemo. There is nothing cute, warm or fuzzy about it. I found my inspiration Friday night. Let me tell you about it.

We had tickets to see the Boston Celtics play the Washington Wizards at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston. We had a great train ride down, an awesome dinner in a sports bar near the Garden, then made our way to our seats ALL the way up to the next-to-last row. Never mind that I hate heights. What I hated more was wedging myself into my seat. That's right; my damn hips were too wide to fit comfortably into my seat. I was horribly uncomfortable the entire game and embarrassed by what I'd let myself become. Nothing like a massive wake up call to find some inspiration.

I do have a caveat to my losing weight initiative. I have to wait until February to begin in earnest. Three of my four children have birthdays in the next 4 weeks, and that means I have 3 birthday cakes to make. Rather than set myself up for failure by starting now, I'm waiting until I'm done with cakes in the house to get myself back on track. Wish me luck.

And today I Start at....

2009-01-06T05:40:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

257lbs - booooooo, hissssssss!!!!

BMI: 41.5 which equals obese – booooo, hissss again!!!

Normal BMI for my height (5’6’’) is between 18.5-24.9. In order to get in the normal range I need to weigh at minimum 154lbs and that would get me to a BMI of 24.9. So that is a minimum of 103 lbs to lose. I don’t care about pant size, I care about being healthy. If being 154lbs and below is what it takes for me to be healthy, then I will do it, though I would rather 150lbs, so that technically my goal right now. See fun little ticker below:

On Oct. 31st, 2008 I weighed 248.5, which means I gained almost 10lbs over the holidays. I was paddling quickly up denial river because I kept saying to anyone that would listen, "oh well I'm not losing anymore weight, but at least I'm not gaining either".

Hahahahaha - It would have been a good idea for me to have stepped on the scale before I made that statement. Today was the first time I weighed myself in two months. That's huge for me. I'm one of those kinds of people that need to weigh themselves everyday. I can't believe that I worked SOOO hard for almost six weeks in October to lose that weight and I just let almost a 1/3 of it come right back on. For shame!!!

Not anymore I say - not anymore!! I am more determined then ever at this point.

Yesterday I stopped at Whole Foods (shout out to Whole Foods, I love your store - now send me free grocery coupons!!) and stocked up on my healthy "essentials", which also happen to include a Brown Rice Eel Roll for lunch today, yummy! I then stopped at Foodtown (shout out to Foodtown, I love your store - now send me free grocery coupons!!) this morning to pick up some Skim Plus milk, V8, yogurt, and etc's to put in my fridge at work.

I’m ready. I'm ready to be back to feeling good, to feeling energized, to feeling like the way I deserve to feel - and looking like it too!!!

I'm going to the gym tonight around 8pm (or after Colin stops fighting with me that 8pm is too early for his bedtime) with my best friend to join and work out for a while. My lungs are still not "up to par" so I'm going to take it easy this week. Normally I can do 6 miles on the elliptical in 60 minuets raising the incline every 5 minutes. I love it!!! I love the burn!!! I love seeing how fast I can go, how hard I can sweat, and how many calories I can burn! But I am going to be realistic here because there is no way while still having rattling lungs I will be able to do that this week. So, instead of not doing anything at all, I will do a steady 60 minutes on an incline of probably about 3, and try to at least get to three miles- sigh, that sounds so boring, but I also don't want to have an asthma attack. Hmm, I better pack my inhaler in my gym bag juuuuust in case though! ;)

I also quit smoking this week!!! Yay for me! (I know what you are all saying, “She has asthma and smoked??” I know, I’m an idiot, thank you I realize these things. Moving on.) I have not had a cigarette since my very last one on Friday the 2nd at 5:24pm (yes I know the exact time, this is hard for me!! lol) I went from smoking a 3/4 a pack every day, to nothing - cold turkey baby!!! And you know what? Aside from a passing craving, mainly when I'm driving alone, I think I'm doing going rather well. Hopefully I'll be able to stick with it. I had quit when I found out I was pregnant and didn't start up again for way over a year when my son was about 6 or 7 months. (**Side note - I never, ever, ever, ever smoked in front or near my child, nor in the car when he was in it, or would be going in it, ok moving on again**) Then I quit again for almost 6 months - From July '07 to January '08. I started again in January around my birthday (which is this coming Sunday the 11th, happy 24th birthday to me, I feel like an old ass), for no really good reason other then I wanted to.

Needless to say, I know that I can quit, it's just hard. But since I want to have the healthiest body that I can have I know I need to do this too. I want to be able to be the 80 year old lady that is still able to run around after her great-grandchildren. I, sadly, do not want to be like my Grandmother who lives between a fulltime nursing home and hospital because she didn't take care of herself, and smoked like a chimney to boot - No thank you. She is lucky enough to have lived long enough to have three (!!!) Great-grandchildren, but she can't play with them at all. I don't want that. I want to be able to baby-sit and chase after mine. And in order to do that, in order to be that healthy grandmother taking her teenage grandchildren on roller coasters, I need to quit smoking, stop eating like crap, and get my ass into the gym. And I am going to do that!!

It took me 24 years to ruin this body that god gave me, so I know it’s not going to take 24 hours, or 24 days to fix it. But in 24 months, in two years, I want to be able to run marathons!!

Ok so goals for this week:

* Tuesday, Thursday and (next) Monday: 60 minutes on the elliptical

* Wednesday and Friday: 30 minutes on the elliptical with 30 minutes weight training

* Do not smoke even one cigarette – not even one Amy!!!

* Drink 100 oz of water a day

* Remember to take vitamins everyday (I am so bad at remembering to take pills!)

* Do not weigh myself everyday. Only weigh-in on Tuesday mornings.

Ok, that’s that for now! When I get home from work I am going to have my mom take my before pictures, and will edit this post with them here at the bottom. I meant to do it last night, but I may or may not have gotten a little busy watching Gossip Girl – don’t judge me it’s a great show, and I read the books first!!! ;oP

Good luck to everyone else that’s along for this journey with me!!

A loss but not a win

2009-01-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

I stepped on the scale this morning 145. One single pound down. And I have to say that I'm surprised and happy with One single pound.

Here are the things I didn't do and why-
1. I didn't work out. I didn't want to. It wasn't that I was too busy or that I didn't have time or that I was hurt. I just plain didn't want to. And I didn't. And my attitude towards this is shitty.
2. I didn't cut out cookies. I didn't want to. I was hungry and I wanted a cookie. So I ate it. That's how it happened officer.
3. I didn't write down what I ate or track points. Again I didn't want to. I know it would have stopped me from eating the cookie and I wanted the cookie....all of them.

How I think I lost the one pound:
1. Lexi is diverting my eating utensil. She now knows that a fork and a spoon are carriers of yummy stuff and certainly that stuff MUST be for her. I've lost a lot of bites on the floor thanks to her increased hand eye coordination.
2. Shaking my ass in the kitchen. Lexi and I make dinner. She's in her bouncy seat and I am shaking it. She laughs and I dance. It's a good time for everyone.
3. I ran out of cookies.
4. I doubled the broccoli in my breakfast bake.

Goals for next week:
1. Write down what I'm eating.
2. Find a reason for me to WANT to workout. I think I need a race or something.
3. Not make cookies.

Round-Up Week 1

2009-01-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

This week was kind of a let-down for me. I had joined my old gym and was so excited to go back and start kicking some ass. But I hurt my back and had to put it on hold. Thankfully, I seem to be 80% better and hope to get back to ass-kicking by Tuesday when I have a training session scheduled at 9 am. She will weigh and measure me as well so I will have another person holding me accountable.

I did focus on eating well and healthy - and not just low-calorie diet food. Good food. Wholesome food. Food that will help heal my ravaged body and gives me more energy that I've had in years. I often have this Veggie Flatbread Sandwich that I invented and snack a lot with fresh veggies and my homemade hummus. I try and drink V8 in between meals if I'm feeling snackish.

So far, it seems to be helping.

Last Week's Weight: 233.4
This Week's Weight: 229.2
Week Loss: 4.2
Total Loss: 4.2

Here are this week's pictures with the last week's for comparison. Of course, I notice no difference. But I'm going to be using week 1 as a comparison for all my future pictures so that when I DO see a difference, I will be that much more excited.

Week 1 Week 2

Week 1 Week 2

Goals I did not accomplish:
1) Eating better breakfasts. This is hard as mornings with two small kids and a full-time job are a bit hairy. I have to start making my breakfasts at night so I can ensure I have something healthy and hearty at hand.
2) Get to the gym 4 times. I only did 30-Day Shred at home twice and then hurt my back. Bummer.

Goals for this week:
1) Eat better breakfasts
2) Get to the gym 3 times. Since I'm still resting my back, I'm not going back till after the weekend, so that doesn't leave much time.
3) Drink more water. I try and drink 8 glasses a day but am so busy, it's often noon before I realized I've had nothing but coffee. This is not good.

Yet another excuse

2009-01-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

So I am doing what I hate myself for constantly doing. I am making an excuse for why I can't start my diet/exercise routine right now when I wanted to. I have been ridiculously sick since Friday the 29th, for almost a week. I was feeling crappy since last Monday, with chills and a bit of a stuffy nose etc, but the dreaded cough did not come until Friday. I can not take a deep breath, my throat is swollen, and my nose is clogged shut. So basically my excuse is that there is no way that I can exercise right now when I can't even breath and almost pass out just from going up five stairs.

I'm barely eating right now because not only can I not taste anything, my throat just hurts too bad to eat much of anything. But not eating is not the kind of dieting I want to be doing - I want to be making myself more healthy, and I know in order to do that I need to eat the right kinda of food and not just starve myself.

This sucks, and I don't want to be making anymore excuses for myself, even if it is a validated one. I just feel like I am failing myself again. I get that I am aloud to not feel well, and can always start when I am feeling better - but I wanted to start again now. Ugh.

A set-back

2008-12-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

Literally within hours of me signing up for my new/old gym, I hurt myself. I'm not sure how exactly but I'm pretty sure it was from the incessant god-forsaken coughing I've been doing non-stop for the last three weeks. The antibiotics seemed to have cleared up whatever was in my lungs, but it didn't stop the cough. Oh. My. Word. The cough.

I have a bad L4-L5 disc. I think it probably started when I was in a roll-over car accident when I was 16. Though I walked away from that, I developed lower back problems in my early 20s, which most likely came from the compression of landing upside down on my head. In the last six years, I've had a myriad of procedures - steroid injections, nerve blocks, and even two partial discectomies. I've been pretty much pain free for the last year or so, dealing with any minor pain with over the counter medication. I'll eventually need a disc replacement or spinal fusion but it doesn't affect my quality of life right now enough to warrant that. I keep waiting for technology to catch up - there are some studies being used where they insert cadaver disc material and stem cells into an injured disc and the disc regenerates. I'm holding out for something like that over spinal fusion, ya know?

But whatever the hell I did yesterday, whether it was coughing, lifting one of my kids, bending over weird, I don't know, I hurt my disc again. It hurts to walk, to sit, to lie down. The irony is that it hurts less after moving around more and not letting it get stiff, but I need rest in order to heal it.

Luckily, since all the doctor's offices are closed for the holiday, I remembered I had a steroid dose pack from the last time I had a procedure done. At the time, I didn't need to take it because I healed quickly on my own, most likely because I was thinner and had a stronger core to help "hold me together." So, I started the steroids today to get the disc to hopefully heal itself well enough to be back to my normal functioning level. I'm taking anti-inflammatories every 6 hours and cough medicine every four hours because every time I cough, I feel like my spine may split in two.

I was all psyched up to go back to my gym. There was a step class last night and a kickboxing class tonight I was set on taking. I had new motivation and was so excited to do something for myself.

And now this. I am bummed. Very bummed.

For now until I feel better, I just have to be super careful of what I eat since I can't do much of anything physical.

I'm definitely looking a lot less forward to Friday's weigh-in now but I won't let this stop me. I guess I'll just take a detour.

One with lots of V8 and veggie flatbread sandwiches.

Taking an old love back

2008-12-30T12:59:00.000-08:00

When Charlotte was 7 months old, I joined a local women's gym very similar to the gym I belonged to before we moved. It was small, but had a pool, childcare, lots of classes, decent equipment, and even baby swim classes. I went often for a year. She loved the women who took care of her in the childcare room and one of the college-aged girls even babysat for us a few times.

Then Mike told me he wanted to get in better shape and that he'd be more motivated if we went to a gym together. So, we joined a large chain gym together. We did go together a couple of times a week and I would go on my own as well. It was a state-of-the art facility and had basically everything you could want.

Eventually I got too pregnant to go - I'd get horrible headaches no matter what I did. Mike lost all motivation to go without me and by the time I got back to the gym, it had been months since either of us had gone.

I keep trying to find the motivation to go, but I'm a class girl and I wasn't happy with the classes at the Big Fancy Gym. There was a lot of Zumba, which I just couldn't get into and a LOT of Body Pump/Weight classes, which is great to take every now and then, but I need something more fast-paced to keep me from getting bored.

I can't be wooed by fancy equipment or a new spin room or large men grunting in the weight section. I need good classes. No chance to look at my watch and think about what else I could be doing. No chance to talk myself into leaving early or copping out. Go in, get a great workout in an hour, and get out. I get a better workout and have more fun with the classes three times a week than I would just doing cardio and weights for 10 hours a week. I lose motivation when I'm bored and that stuff bores me.

So today during the kids' naps, I spied on my old gym. I went online and looked at their new class schedule. Kickboxing! Fit Ball! Step!! Cardio Funk! And all at times that were convenient?!? I called and said I used to be a member and asked if there were any upcoming specials for the New Year. The manager remembered me and asked me to come in and talk to her.

I left as soon as Mike got home and she offered me a deal that was hard to refuse: 20$ less a month than I'm paying now, 1/2 off enrollement fee, and she added in a free month to make up for the extra month I have to pay to cancel my Big Brand Name Gym Membership.

So, I'm breaking up with my new gym and taking my old gym back. And am so motivated and excited to start. And shouldn't you look forward to going to the gym instead of finding excuses not to go?

Ready to be a Loser

2008-12-30T10:41:00.002-08:00

You need the backstory.

I've always been thin (please, keep reading I promise you I get fatter). I'm 5 feet nothing tall and have been blessed with good genes/high metabolism that (pre-baby) allowed me to eat almost anything and stay small. Once you have kids (and reach age 30), however, all bets are off.

Before I got pregnant with Bear I wanted to get healthy. I had been on VERY strong migraine medications, that I took daily, for years. The recommendation on my experimental drugs was that you go off of them 3 months prior to conception so there would be no risk to the fetus. I decided to give myself 6 months of no medications, just to be on the safe side.

Having suffered from debilitating migraines for YEARS, this scared the bejeebus out of me. The prophalactic medications helped a great deal and I didn't know how I'd live without them. But, I was willing to give them up in order to have a baby. So, I started looking into alternative (read: holistic) ways to prevent my migraines.

Basically, it all came down to diet. (I did go see a chiropractor for months, so that may have helped, too)

I cut out almost all refined sugars, ALL artificial sweeteners and tried to eat mostly organic. Basically, if it contained high fructose corn syrup or anything that did not exist when my grandparents were kids, I didn't eat it. I didn't do this to lose weight, it was for my health. Actually, at the time I went off the medications I was very thin. One of the side effects of the meds was weight loss because it suppressed appetite (so much so, that I had to be reminded to eat). So, I went off a medication that kept me skinny and then had to give up all diet foods because most of them contained artificial sweetners and lots of other fake ingredients.

Long story short -- it worked. I went from 3-4 migraines a week (without medication) to NONE. Even now, 3 years later, I rarely get migraines, but when I do they aren't nearly as intense as they used to be. I've been treating them solely with over the counter medication (which NEVER worked for me before).

But, I got lazy. I indulged in fattening foods during my pregnancy. I ate whatever was convenient after Bear's birth -- which was usually not healthy. With the rising cost of everything, my organic diet kind of went out the window. And surprise, surprise, I gained weight.

One year ago, I read "Skinny Bitch." After reading that, I immediately became a vegetarian. About 4 months into it, I started working out hard-core and was really lacking in good protein. So, I added poultry back into my diet, but still haven't touched red meat or pork in one year. Oh, and the workout? I stopped after ONE MONTH despite amazing results.

I know, I'm an idiot.

So, here we are again. Another year, another resolution to be healthy. I'm not caring (too much) about the number on the scale. I'm not overweight by most people's standards. I judge myself by how my clothes fit. And they are REALLY tight right now. Like, I should be wearing another size, but am too stubborn to go and buy bigger clothes. I would like to lose 8-10 pounds, which for me at my size, takes months. I started my work-out and diet yesterday (I don't wait for New Year's!) and just want to get back into shape.

I want to be healthy. I want to have energy. And, I definitely want to be a MILF. Shallow, I know - but, true.

Here I go

2008-12-25T07:15:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I was not looking forward to this at all. The weighing in thing is no big deal because I've done it before. It's a number. I can deal with a number. But actual photographic evidence of myself in this state - a body ravaged by losing and gaining 100 pounds, two pregnancies, and a surgery (I had my gall bladder removed in April 2007; you'll notice the scars and my belly button is a little weird now) - was a lot to face.

It was hard.

But I did it.

I needed to face what I've let myself become. So that I can watch myself change into who I know I can be.

I may never be pretty in a sports bra (and snowman Christmas pajamas, unshowered and not having put my contacts in yet) but I WILL look better than this. Each week, I WILL change. It may be slow and hard to notice but I hope as I start stringing them together, we can all watch me shrink!

Things I hate most about these pictures: Back fat, armpit fat, double chin.
Goal for the week: Exercise 4 days. Start each day with a healthy breakfast.
Current Weight: 233.4

Here we go again....

2008-12-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

Posted by Amy

Wow. So a year later huh?? A year without a blog post over here. A year with weight gained and lost again. A year has passed and I am no where near where I wanted to be right now. Go ahead - browse back a few posts on my old blog. You'll see just exactly where I wanted to be right now with my weight, and you know what?!!? Not. anywhere. near. it!!! Sad. Just really, really sad. Sad that weight and food controls me; I just wish I could be free of it.

As you’ve read here from my sister, a few months ago we were in a weight lost competition with our gym. The team of 5 that won first place was awarded with $5,000. That would have been $1,000 cash for each of us, so of course that motivated me to go on a hardcore diet and I was at the gym sweating and working my ass off five days a week. I was also motivated by that fact that I didn’t want to let my teammates down. I didn’t want to gain or not lose anything and feel like I let them all down and cost them to lose the competition. I lost almost 30lbs, in just a few days past a month. That is a lot of weight to lose in a month. And not only that I went down two pants sizes, was feeling tight, had so much energy, and just felt GREAT!!! We didn’t win, but our team did great, and we all lost a ton of weight.

Halloween was the last day of the competition. I weighed in that morning, and then without having to worry about losing anymore weight right that moment, or feeling guilty like I was letting other people down, I ate, and I binged - I fell so completely off the wagon. I lied to myself, "OK, just this day. You deserve one day to eat candy and take out. It's just one day, and you've worked so hard. Go ahead Amy, give yourself a treat and a day off." Yeah, that was a baaaaadddd idea. That one day reminded me how much I enjoy eating. How much I enjoy feeling so full and satisfied. How much I just looooovvveee food!!!!

Now, two months later, though I have only gained a few pounds back from my initial loss, I feel like hell again. I'm tired all the time again. My daily headaches are back. My newly smaller sized pants are tight again. My skin is breaking out again. And just all around, I feel ugly again. Even though I was no where near my weight loss goals, those 30lbs made a difference, and I felt good, not only physically but mentally too. I miss those feelings so much.

Over on my old blog, they last thing I wrote, after failing at yet another diet for no good reason, was this:

“This is out of…control. There has got to be something mentally wrong with me that I keep doing this to my body, to my mind, to my spirit. Why in the world do I let myself get like this? Seriously though, I really wish someone would tell me. I know that what I am doing is not healthy. I know that my Dr's told me that if I didn't loose weight I would have a heart attack within years. I know that I look like a fat disgusting slob right now. I know all of these things and more and yet I still can not get up the will power or the…courage for that matter to stand up and finally take control of my life! Well scratch that I can get up the will power for a few weeks apparently, but that's it. I have an obsession with food. I have an addiction to food. I have a serious problem and I don't know what to do anymore short of just giving up completely. Just saying -eff it all and that's that. I don't want that for myself but what can I do at this point?”

I said that a year ago, and it still stands. I again lost weight. Felt great about myself and yet, I sabotaged myself again. Are there any psychologist’s reading this because I need someone to “shrink me”. Someone to tell me why, when all I want in this world right now (other then my son’s happiness and health, and of course world peace and all that) is to be healthy, and be lighter, and feel and look beautiful; Why when I know that it’s so easy to just say no to that extra helping of pasta, and why it’s so rewarding to work out for an hour or two; Why with knowing all that, and wanting so much for myself, do I not do it. Do I just ruin it every single time. Am I really just that messed up?? I wish I knew. I need help.

So anyway, my sister, AndreAnna, and Cass, and whoever else wants to join, will be posting their weight loss and/or fitness goals here, and I am very excited to be doing this. I hope it will help me keep on track, and keep myself in check. I’ll try anything. Maybe posting ridiculously embarrassing pictures of myself will help me. Maybe telling the blogging world how much I weigh will help me. Maybe, with the support of everyone, and everyone telling me “you can do it” will help me. I need it. I need the help. I just need anything. I want this so much. So, so, much. We’ll see. I’m starting on Friday the 29th after the Holiday. So on Friday I will post pictures of myself, and will do so every Friday along with how much I weigh on that given week. Good luck to everyone that is joining in here…. And for me, I really hope this works!

The Jingle Bell Shake

2008-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

Lets talk about vacation. Lets talk about how I ran on the beach for about 200 yards and about how I felt my ass on my thighs. Jiggling. I actually felt ASS on my THIGH. I also felt Thigh on Thigh. It was not hot. It was not Baywatch worthy. It was sad. I ran a long time ago. I ran a lot. Miles and miles even. Half marathons.

I counted while I ran. I counted the times my foot hit the ground in a minute, in a half mile, in a mile, how many deep breaths, how many songs, how many laps, how many miles. I counted. I found that really soothing. I had mantras like: I can do anything for 10 minutes; I can do anything for 5 minutes; I can run; See me run; I am an athlete in this moment.

While on vacation I was in the pictures. I wanted to be in the pictures, I want to be part of Lexi's life in photos, I don't want to just take the pictures....but it was painful. It hurt my ego a little to post them. I'm at 146lbs as I type this. It's not far from my weight goal but I am so far from my fitness goal. I'm a very long ways away from feeling fit. From feeling a muscle below my shoulders. And to up the accountability I give you my body in raw form:

I appreciate really bad lighting. I think it detracts from my happy expression after very little sleep last night. You may have noticed a new look here and that's because we're expanding the pool....no more just After Baby people....it's just Life After. And we created a Flickr Group - if you'd like to join click here to request.

Not the case

2008-12-21T10:06:00.001-08:00

The other night my husband jokingly asked if I was still attracted to him. I laughed and made some lame joke comeback. But it made me sad.

He asked because I more often than not turn down his advances or brush him off when he tries to show me affection or say nice things to me. He was kidding but part of me wonders if he feels this way. I mean, I would if I were him.

But as cliche as it sounds, it's not him, it's me.

In the height of our new relationship and engagement, we were living together, making good money, going out often, staying up late. We'd play games, cook extravagant meals, get in the car and go. We were young and passionate, spontaneous and fun. We loved to be around each other and I felt comfortable and free. I was in the best shape of my life and even though I may have not been a perfect woman's standard, I was happy and felt confident and sexy.

Then, a little over three years ago on our honeymoon, we got pregnant and I've basically been pregnant or losing the pregnancy weight since. I haven't been back at that place where I've been happy with my body.

Despite knowing he loves me and my body no matter its shortcomings, if I don't feel good in my skin, it does affect how I feel about my body and intimacy. And even though I know it's not fair to him, it does hold me back.

And that sucks.

If you know me either on here or in person, you know I am one of the most confident, outgoing people around. I walk up to strangers, shake their hand, and introduce myself. I talk to everyone at a party; I have all different types of friends. But when it comes down to the stark reality of looking in the mirror after a shower or being intimate with my husband, I can't help but see the ravaged remains of what could have been a normal body.

Even when I get down to my goal weight, my body will not be perfect. I will need reconstructive surgery to remove the loose skin from years of losing and gaining massive amounts of weight. They say it goes back but it doesn't when you've stretched it for 25 years up to 300 pounds. And then up and down another hundred pounds TWICE in three years.

Mike has promised me that we'll save for my surgery and remove the skin off my tummy and thighs once I get to my goal weight and can take the time off from work and the kids are old enough to not need me to lift them. So I figure by the time I turn 32 (or 29 for the fourth time) I should be in a good place for that.

I just want to feel good in my own skin. I have before and know I can again.

T minus Five Days till Start.

Accountability

2008-12-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

The past 8 years of my life have been a roller coaster of weight loss and gain. In a span of three years, I lost 120 pounds and got married at 185 pounds and a size 12/14. I was happy there. I was fit, in shape, and felt comfortable with my body. I realize that's not a goal many women attain to - many want to weigh much less and be a much smaller size. But I know my body - I know its frame and it's muscle mass. Even if I were to ever get down to my recommended body weight of 153 lbs, I'd never stay there long as I'd have to run 900 miles a day and eat grass to maintain that.

I don't want to live like that. I want to eat healthy, exercise, live a life I'd be proud for my daughter to emulate. I don't want her to hear me use the words "fat" even though that's how I feel. Even at 185 pounds, a weight many women would feel "fat", I was not.

I want to be there again.

Almost immediately after hitting my lowest weight, I went on my honeymoon in Hawaii where I ate and drank myself 10 pounds heavier in 10 days, with the full intention of coming home and working it back off. I came home pregnant. That weight never came off and 80 more pounds piled on.

The day I gave birth to my daughter in May 2006 I was 277 pounds. I know, RIGHT?!?

I lost 40 pounds relatively quickly and then worked pretty hard over the course of the next year to lose the rest. I had a friend's wedding I was a bridesmaid in in November 2007. I wanted to look GOOD. Mike and I had also talked about trying for another baby around the time, so I wanted the rest of the weight off.

For that wedding, I had hit my temporary goal weight of 200 lbs, a size 14. Again, I was fairly happy there. I wanted to lose 15 more pounds at least but was HAPPY and felt good in my own skin. I got pregnant that week and gained another 80 pounds.

When I gave birth this past July 2008, I was 270 pounds. UGH AGAIN.

I lost some quickly as women usually do and then it stopped. DEAD stopped. Wouldn't move. I went back to the gym, ate really well, and the damn thing would. not. move. I was 244 pounds three months postpartum.

So I joined The Biggest Loser competition with my friends/family. This motivated me because other people were depending on me. I couldn't let THEM down. I started doing Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. I ate big healthy breakfasts and lunches and tiny, supplemental dinners. And it worked.

I lost 23 pounds in 6 weeks.

And true to reality, have gained almost half back because weight that comes off that fast usually does not STAY off. The second I ate a brownie or had a big meal, the fat was waiting in the wings, ready to jump right back on.

This morning, after a month of birthday parties, Thanksgiving, holiday parties and every other excuse I can find to indulge more than I should, the scale said 234. I almost cried.

That's FIFTY pounds to go to where I want to be. It seems so far.

And then I realized what's been missing this time around - why I can't be so dedicated and as motivated as I was.

I have no accountability but myself. And I? SUCK at holding myself accountable.

I have a husband who loves me and my body and friends and family who don't care what I look like. And even though I hate that my thighs rub together or my softy belly hanging down, it has not been enough.

I eat right and exercise because I want to and like how it makes me feel. But in order to LOSE weight, I have to work REALLY hard and be REALLY motivated. My wedding, having another baby, my friends wedding, a vacation - I've always had a GOAL. A timeline.

Now I have nothing. So I slip, often. Because I'm not in a rush - I don't want any more babies, I have no vacations planned, none of my friends are getting married.

And it SUCKS that I need that, but I do.

So, I've come up with a way that will help keep me motivated. It's going to be my Chritsmas Present to myself.

On December 25th, I will start posting weekly weights and pictures of myself IN A SPORTS BRA and workout pants. (Oh the gore!) because facing that, admitting these things, to you - the internet, the world - no matter how supportive - will MAKE me face myself.

The reason I'm not starting right now is because I have some kind of chest infection and can't exercise without hacking up a lung. Plus, it will also give me Christmas Eve to get through without worrying over every bite of food I put in my mouth.

I am also committing to 25 days of exercise in 36 days. Whether it is my 30DS video, my Wii Fit, or the gym, I WILL work out 25 days by the end of January.

I've never posted or talked about my weight on here before, let alone taken pictures - permanent evidence - of myself when I am so utterly unhappy with me.

This is big, people.

I need you. You there? Anyone else want to join me?

We're all winners, right?

2008-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

My team for The Biggest Loser Competition lost 112 pounds total, which unfortunately was not enough to win. Not even enough to be in second or third place. We were fourth. FOURTH! I hate losing. I went to the announcement party last night and the team that won lost a total 13% of their body weight. Of course, the team was made up of all huge men (and one woman) and I overheard one guy saying he had lost 39 pounds. Later in the evening, I overheard two men from the team that came in second place saying that one of the guys on the weight floor "ratted out" a member from the first team as cheating. How? I don't know. And it doesn't really matter because there were THREE teams above us. It's not like it would have changed the outcome.

Kicking Butt and Taking Names

2008-10-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

I finally got pissed. I kept saying and blogging that I was going to get my act together and take charge of myself. But I wasn't. I was trying a little bit, but not enough to be making any difference. Then Friday night I caught a glimpse of myself in a sweater I bought last Christmas for myself and I was so disgusted with how I looked. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror.

So, Sunday night I got back on the treadmill. Mornings have been too rough lately, so against my better judgment I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes Sunday night. It was AWESOME! I walked another 30 minutes last night and would have walked longer if I had a song on my IPod that I wanted to listen to. I've been faithfully measuring my food and logging it into my profile on Weight Watchers. I've been drinking water. And I feel good.

I know it's a long road, but I'm not giving up this time.

Completely self-inflating

2008-10-14T05:13:00.000-07:00

I rock.

I did a little dance this morning when I got on the weigh-in scale at the gym for the Biggest Loser competition and it said I was down another seven pounds this week. This makes 17.2 pounds total in three weeks.

Somehow, even though we were the heaviest team, we're still not winning. We're tied for third, which COME ON. Really? The fattest team ALWAYS wins on TBL. We WILL win. We still have till October 31 and I know we have longevity!

The best part? I'm not starving myself anymore. I tried that route and only lost 2 pounds that week and this week I ate healthy meals and snacks and VERY light dinners and saw a huge difference.

Food is good. I like food.

Mirror

2008-10-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was photographed. Not nude or anything but in clothing, in central park, with people that I love. I'm a ham. I don't mind my picture being taken. But as I was looking at the pictures last night I had a lot of bad self moments. Moments where I talked to myself in a tone that I wouldn't tolerate from another human being. I said some really hurtful things to myself. I gave birth to a whole person. I'm sustaining life with these milk (some would argue its butter) factories. You'd think I'd be a little kinder to myself. But I wasn't.

Where I once was firm, I am not now. The scale may say a number but my clothing does not fit the way it used to. It bummed me out. At the same time it inspired me. If I want to see muscle I'm going to have to work at it. Which means working out. Here's my question: How is it that I know I have to workout, I know I feel better when I do workout, I know, I know, I know and yet I don't? I read somewhere that to truly know something is to do it. I need to freaking do it.

Motivation

2008-09-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday were the big weigh-in days for The Biggest Loser competition at my gym. Mike, my sister, and her friend Barbara weighed in on Monday and my cousin Michele and I weighed in this afternoon.

I lost 8 pounds.

In ONE week.

We had a team total of 41 pounds lost this week. FORTY-ONE POUNDS.

Mike lost 8 pounds too, my sister Amy lost 11, and Barbara and Michele each lost 7.

Granted, most of us are not small people and the more you weigh, the quicker you drop the weight at first but still, I am so proud of us!

We have five more weeks to go and then that prize is OURS. Mwuah-ha-ha

Duggar

2008-09-24T10:39:00.001-07:00

I'm losing weight. blah blah blah. It's slow going and it seems that every time I get healthy something else happens (Mirena, then cold) so that the working out just doesn't happen. I'm frustrated by this but the diet alone is making progress so I'm content. Kinda.

Pocklock shared a post about that Duggar women with 18 (+1 on the way) kids and how they're getting their own tv show and all I have to say is this: she's insane, clearly. But she has not had an opportunity to be OUT of maternity wear for like DECADES - so maybe she's just REALLY unsure about her ability to get back to her self before kids. Seems reasonable enough to me.

And we're off!

2008-09-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Last night was the weigh-in for The Biggest Loser competition I've joined at my gym.

Mike said when he signed up, there was a bunch of people there registering. I wish I saw them so I could imagine running past them while I'm on the treadmill.

Speaking of treadmills, usually I walk, run, walk, run, etc. for 30 minutes or so before doing my weight training. Yesterday, I went with my cousin so I didn't feel like running since I wouldn't be able to talk to her. So in order to up my calories without walking too fast (I get shin splints if I speed walk) I upped the incline to the highest it would go. It was literally like climbing a steep hill! I alternated speeds and inclines for 40 minutes, but kept it intense.

In 40 mins, I climbed almost 7000 ft, walked 1.75 miles and burned 445 calories.

I will be doing that again.

Today, however, I will be in too much pain from the dentist to go to the gym so I will just be very careful with what I eat. Which so far has been yogurt, a Dr. Praeger California burger (pure vegetables in a formed patty), and a raw zucchini with light ranch dip.

I will win this money!

Oh and for our team name, we went with "Four Girls and a Mike" so K and J's Mom, send me your address, so I can get your gift card out!

The Biggest Loser

2008-09-18T09:08:00.001-07:00

On Monday, I'm trying a different approach to reach my weight loss goals.

Along with Mike, sister, my cousin, and a friend, I have joined a Biggest Loser competition hosted by my gym. The team of the five of us begin on Monday 9/22 and the contest runs six-weeks and ends on Halloween. Just like the show, we weigh in each week and the winner is chosen by weight loss percentage as a team after six weeks. The prize? Five grand.

Um, hell yes. An excuse to be competitive, lose weigh, AND win money? Count me the frick in!

In those six weeks, the only hurdle will be a wedding I am attending on October 11. I'm fairly confident I can handle it. I'm also fairly confident we can win. I am immensely competitive and the thought of other people out there working harder than me or losing more weight than me or spending that money makes me MAD. Mad enough to run my jiggly ass off on that treadmill.

Plus, my cousin gets a free six-week membership to my gym so I will have a partner to exercise with a few nights a week.

What I need now is a team name. It's four girls and Mike. It needs to be catchy and funny. Whoever's team name I choose will get a 25$ gift certificate to Starbucks. AND GO!

Gooooooal

2008-09-16T07:12:00.001-07:00

Let me tell you a story about me naked. It's not that kind of story - geez whiz. I got on the scale this morning and it started to SING and DANCE. Well not really but it did say this magic number: 158. I said goodbye to the 160's Yipppeee. It's a milestones for me because 7 weeks after giving birth to Lexi and I'm at the same weight I was when I was 7 weeks pregnant.

I go to the doctor on Thursday and I'm potentially going to have the Mirena installed (installed isn't the right word but I'm not sure what IS the right word so we're going with installed). Hopefully the doctor will give me the clear to start exercising again because hopefully my experience with infections in the breast are over. And then I'll start shredding again. Without the shred I've just been walking with my weight vest on (aka Lexi).

So one goal was met and now it's on to the next goals: 10 more pounds and running a 10k. The jogging stroller is out and we have our first run planned today. Let's hope Lexi likes it as much as I need it!

30 days complete!

2008-09-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Today marks 30 days since I started Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, along with continuing my normal healthy eating habits (except with my penchant for dirty martinis, but hey, at least there's very little sugar in them considering they are basically pure vodka).

And in 30 days, I've lost 9 pounds. Yay me!

I was hoping to hit 10, but last night after work, I went out with some colleagues for dinner and drinks and though I ordered healthily, I knew eating so late would have an effect on me making that goal.

I do the Shred Video at least 4 times a week and try and get to the gym on the other days. It's been hard since I've been back to work, my time is even more limited. That's why I like the Shred video. It's quick and I can strap Sawyer in his seat and give Charlotte some crayons and I'm usually done before either one of them can bitch that I'm not paying attention to them. Works out beautifully.

I did start measuring myself as well since I know the scale doesn't accurately reflect some of the hard work you do, but I didn't start that until September 1. So, on October 1, I'll have an update with inches lost and hopefully it will be promising.

One of the hardest things I'm finding since I've been back to work is that I forget to eat. I KNOW breakfast is important. I KNOW I need my protein and oatmeal, or at the very least, a yogurt. But often, I am so busy, it is noon before I remember I didn't eat anything yet. Which is so VERY bad for my metabolism. So I stock the fridge with Stonyfield Farm yogurts because at least those have no crap in them and I feel good eating them. I also keep those Baby Bell Light cheeses around because I can shove one of those in my mouth quickly.

When I'm at the office, I have the joy of a fully-staffed cafeteria so I can have my egg whites made for me. It's when I work from home that I find more than half the day has gone by and I've only had a coffee.

It's bad and I need to stop this. I know it is hindering my weigh loss. Any suggestions for healthy breakfast-y type foods I can shove in my piehole while simultaneously running around like a beheaded chicken? I love Lara bars but right now they're killing my already sore and sensitive teeth.

Any suggestions?

Back on the horse

2008-09-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

I weighed in today. I am not posting numbers, but I am posting my weight on Weight Watchers. I also filled up my water bottle and drank a ton of water today. I've been walking to the bus stop twice a day, pushing the twins in the stroller. I am FINALLY starting to feel better and intend to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning.

I want new clothes that I'm actually going to wear and love. I want my kids to be proud of their mama. I want to FEEL GOOD all the time. I want to go to Jersey in November feeling happy and not embarrassed about how I look.

Here's to the new me.

It is all about math

2008-08-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have a trip planned. It's our annual Florida vacation. This will be the first one with Lexi and I'm very excited about this trip. I'm also nervous about it because traveling with a little baby is stressful and also you've seen my stomach. So I was doing the math today and this is how it works out:

I weigh in at 165lbs today.
I have 105 days until we leave.
That's 15 weeks.
If I lose just 1lb a week I'll be down to 150 by the trip. This is not awful - it's about where I've been since college.
BUT if I lose 2lb a week on average I'll be down to 135 which is my BIG goal.

Now if I workout 5 days a week for those 15 weeks that would make 75 workouts. And because I worked out today I'm already down to 74 workouts.

Let's say that I have 1800 calories a day that is 189,000 calories between now and then.

Now let me get really honest with you about something. I want to be a hot mom. True. But what I really want is my daughter to have a role model in me - to see that you can be healthy, that you can and should love and appreciate and take care of your body. I don't want to think back at years of Lexi's life where I wasn't in the pictures because I didn't feel confident in my outfit or think back at how I didn't enjoy her birthday cake because I was on another "diet". I have purpose and she is worth it.

Oh, hi.

2008-08-25T10:23:00.001-07:00

Hey, this blog has a third contributor! Who knew!

I'm back. Sort of. I am STILL SICK with a massive sinus infection. Needless to say, I haven't been on the treadmill or even eaten much of anything these last 10 days.

Cass and AndreAnna both sent me CDs to add music to my IPod, and I can't wait to feel well enough to use them.

The scale isn't moving, but I think it will once I feel better and can get exercising. Because let me tell you~I felt a whole lot more like me on the days I used the treadmill before I got sick than the days I didn't. And that must count for something.

The level

2008-08-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

Today the scale laughed at me. It laughed and laughed and laughed. Then it pointed it's ugly bone like fingers at me and said "you dope, you can't eat chocolate, m&m's and all that crap and expect me to move down" then it did the most evil laugh ever. It was mean to me.

Chocolate is now removed from my house. My chin is up and we're just moving forward.

The Scale

2008-08-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

The scale is my enemy and yet I am drawn to it like white on rice. It sits next to my toilet and I weigh myself every morning. Sometimes with clothes on, sometimes with clothes off. Before I pee, after I pee. At lunch, after dinner, before bed.

IT'S INSANE! I need to stop. I know this. I KNOW it is unhealthy. But I can't bring myself to get rid of it. What's worse is how it can affect me. If I weigh myself after a day that I KNOW I ate well, worked out hard and it's UP, I get pissed off. Even though logically, I know it's from water weight or one reason or another. It's the weekly weigh-in, or even the monthly one that really matters. Because that's an average and often won't be affected by if I had slightly more salt on my chicken the night before.

What I think I need is a body fat scale. Because that's what I'm really after, more than pounds and such. I'm working out hard so I know I'm going to be building lean muscle as I am losing fat and to not see the scale reflect that kills me. But I've heard they're all useless and all vary so much that they can't be relied on for accuracy. Does anyone know of any good, accurate body fat scales?

For instance, today the scale says I am down 2.4 pounds from last week, an almost 5 pound total in 2 weeks. While for most people, this would be fantastic, part of me can't help but be a little bummed. I have had very little, if any, sugar in two weeks, no carbs after lunch and only lean proteins, vegetables, and complex carbs for two whole weeks. And I've been going to the gym (or doing my Jillian Michael's DVD) almost every day. I feel like I should be losing more.

But then again, I feel tighter. I feel healthy. I can feel myself getting in better shape each time I get on the treadmill or take an aerobics class. The weight will come off. This I know. My body is healthy. And I know that's what matters.

So, why then do I need some scale to confirm things for me? Why do I need to see that number drop so much in order to feel accomplished, even if logically I know I'm doing better than my best?

Supplments

2008-08-22T10:22:00.001-07:00

I am still doing great with my eating plan (such a better term than "diet" don't you think?). I have also gone to the gym three times this week as well as did an ass-kicking exercise video - Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. Which, by the way, I accidentally ordered two of and am running a contest on my blog for the other one. Go, comment, win!

For all of you out there who work out often and maintain a healthy diet, do you take supplements? If so, which kinds and why?

Daily, I take a multi-vitamin, calcium, B-12, folic acid, fish oil capsules, and glucosamine chondroitin.

Recently, I researched and added in Hydroxycut. I thought it was just a lame As Seen on TV pill that claimed miracles to help people lose weight. But in my research of the ingredients, and of the reviews my both laypeople and medical professionals, I was impressed with its claims and decided to try it.

Back in my heydey, I had taken Xenadrine which was when ephedra was legal. It was like speed but it worked! I would work out harder, longer, faster. Down side? I got the shakes, couldn't sleep, and had heart palpitations. Not good. It was no longer worth it. So, I wanted to make sure that this Hydroxycut didn't do the same thing. It does contain caffeine and guarana extract so I have stopped my morning coffee.

For the first three days, I took one pill, three times a day before meals. I definitely noticed a boost. I didn't crave my afternoon nap I had been taking and had more energy throughout the day. Of course, I know this is also because I AM exercising more and eating better and my body is just overall working better. But, it didn't give me any of those side effects. I am energized but not tweaking and sleep comes just as easy at night as ever.

Today I started two pills before meals and there was a significant boost - like speed. I did my 20 minute workout DVD, showered, and then I ran around the house cleaning, scrubbing, doing laundry, feeding and playing with my children.

And here I sit, both kids down for a nap and knowing I could use one too, and just having too much energy. I feel great and though I was definitely a little more tweaky than with the one pill, I still am devoid of those icky side effects, and as I get used to the two pills, this too should calm down.

How about you? What supplements/vitamins do you take every day?

Anatomy of a Gut

2008-08-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

My junior year of college I weighed the same as I do now - it wasn't my best look and I was actively working to lose the weight but I didn't think that I looked awful and a lot of that had to do with the fact the my stomach was "flat-ish". I wasn't on a washboard ab infomercial but there wasn't a gut hanging over my pants either and that is the difference from 10 years ago to today - today there is a flap of skin/fat that is fighting with my pants - and I loathe it.

I've been fighting with my inner wants so far this week. I want to lose the weight but I also want some chocolate. I want to work out but I also want to sit on my ass and relax. I want to learn Italian but I also want to take a nap. I need to take stock of what I really want and get motivated to that end...but I also need to give myself a break. You see now that those wants are conflicting. So while I had thought of this week as a jumping off point for the exercise I see now that I need to evaluate the situation and come up with a plan and goals and that I need to start on Monday (don't you love how these things always have to start on Monday?).

So for the rest of the week my goals are:
1. find a cleaning company
2. finish some projects for the FH that are lingering so they are off my plate
3. go for a walk with Lexi every day
4. take at least a 30 minute nap in the afternoon
5. limit the chocolate intake to 1 fudge-sicle a day
6. eat protein for breakfast and pb doesn't count
7. go for a walk at the track as a family on Saturday & Sunday
8. set up our recurring weekly Peapod order so its a no-brainer every week

Exercise goals for next week
1. go for a walk with Lexi every single day
2. do the turbo jam 20 minute workout dvd 2 times
3. do the pilates fusion workout dvd 2 times
4. go for a walk at the track as a family on Saturday & Sunday and start to jog

Argh and Ugh

2008-08-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

Scale this morning mocked me with only a two pound loss.

I KNOW THAT TWO POUNDS IS GOOD AND HEALTHY AND YADDA YADDA! SUCK IT!

I just expected to see more given that the two pounds came off within two days and I haven't lost an ounce the last five days. How is that possible when I eat nothing but lean protein, green veggies, and complex carbohydrates (which I don't even eat after lunch time)? Oh,and also, no sugar (which means no booze, Lawd help me), no snacks, nothing. How did I not lose all 50 pounds overnight?

My typical day in food goes like this.

Breakfast - egg whites with spinach and small bowl of steel cut oats. Coffee with skim and splenda.
Lunch - chicken breast/tuna, 1/2 yam, and a small salad or a green vegetable.
Dinner - fish/chicken/tofu with two green vegetables with crudite and/or salad.

In between meals, I have either a protein shake, a yogurt, or a glass of V8. AT night, if I crave something sweet, I have a bowl of sugar free jello (which if you make with seltzer is bubbly and fun!) I've eaten like this for a week so far and have not cheated even ONCE.

The only fat in my diet is from the Light salad dressing I put on my salad or use for a dip and I maybe use 2 tbsp a day. The only added sugar is a few grams here and there for ketchup or marinades for the meat. My total calories for the day hover around 800-1200 if I'm estimating right.

I also have been back at the gym. I wasn't there as much as I would have liked but there's a good reason for this. If you remember, on Wednesday I took a class called Sculpt and Tone, which made me sore. I liked the sore feeling because it made me feel like I did something - like I worked hard. I expected it to go away, but it is 5 days later and I still feel the remnants of he muscle pain. It was mostly in my arms - shoulders, triceps, bicpes and pectorals, but DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU USE YOUR ARMS? Especially with a newborn. Man, a 10 pound baby can suddenly seem like a boulder.

My legs hurt, but not as much so yesterday when they felt better, I did go back. I got in an hour of interval training - where you bring your heartrate up and down, alternating between walking and running, then between weights and cardio (I did leg lifts and kicks off an aerobics step).

My goal this week is to get in 5 days at the gym, so hopefully if I take another class, it won't set me back again. Though slightly disheartened this week, I plan to stick to the healthy way I'm eating. And hopefully, the weight will keep moving or move faster.

Oh and Mike (who hasn't gone to the gym) lost 6 pounds this week. Men suck. But I am proud of him for sticking to such a healthy way of eating - especially at his job where they eat so much crap.

I have three weeks left till I go back to work and I'd like to lose at least 10 more pounds. It's doable, right?

W.O. Decision Day

2008-08-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

Well today I go to the doctor. Originally I was going to go on Friday of last week but I didn't want to waste family time going to the doctor so I changed it to today at 2pm. The doctor will let me know if I can work out hence the W.O. Decision Day. I am crossing my fingers she gives me the go ahead. That would give me 3 weeks to get into a routine with Lexi and working out prior to going back to work and I think I'm going to need all 3 weeks.

The scale this morning told me what I expected with a weigh in of 167...a 4 lb loss from last week so the scale is slowing down. I expected this. But it's still a bummer. I started to write that my goal was to be 157 (my first doctor's appointment weight) by my birthday....but then I looked at the calendar and saw that my birthday is 9 days away. HOW did THAT happen? I thought I had at least 2 weeks and more importantly what am I going to tell the FH that I want?

So now my goal is going to be 157 by our Anniversary on September 5th. That's do-able.

Hurt So Good

2008-08-14T05:24:00.000-07:00

After Sculpt and Tone with the DEVIL yesterday, suffice it to say I am quite sore today. Picking up the toddler and the baby carrier, carrying the baby around the house, lifting my arms, walking up stairs, BREATHING -- these are all things that currently hurt me to do.

However, I LOVE it.

Feeling this muscle pain makes me feel like I actually did something - that I worked out hard and made a difference.

I'm supposed to be kayaking on Saturday with Mike and our cousin, so I hope it fades by then. But as much as it sucks, it's a good pain and I'm proud that I have it. Because I know each time I go to the gym, the pain will be less and I will work my muscles more and get in better shape.

Day 3 - Withdrawal

2008-08-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I felt like total shit on a shingle. Even though I was eating a great amount of protein, complex carbs, and tons of fresh veggies for a few days, I just couldn't get my energy level above CODE BLUE: ALMOST DEAD. I even tried to nap on the couch while my toddler watched Dora, a futile experience considering the massive amount of mommy-jumping and eyelid-propping open that was done.

When my husband came home, I handed the kids off, literally, and went to bed where I slept for almost 3 hours. I woke groggy and cranky and spent the rest of the night in a funkadelic mood.

I didn't even get to the gym like I had promised myself. Which made me even more irritable.

And then it hit me. No sugar. None. For THREE days. On top of which, I had started back on my Metformin, a medication for insulin resistance over the weekend. It seems to be taking my body some time to get used to these changes.

I was going through sugar withdrawal.

I had to be.

I looked it up, assuming Google would return with "No such thing, lardass. You're just fat and tired from life with a newborn." Instead, it came back with this:

"During the first few sugar-free days you may experience headaches, fatigue, depression, drowsiness, skin eruptions, and mucus or throat discomfort. Some of these symptoms, especially the mood swings, fatigue and drowsiness, probably occur on a daily basis when you're still eating a high-sugar diet, as the blood sugar rises and falls - but you don't usually blame it on the way you eat. When you kick the sugar habit you will be very aware that these symptoms are being caused by your recent dietary change, and you should look forward to the day when you will be completely free of them."

So, my body was used to being pregnant and not eating properly and being overloaded with cookies, cake, ice cream, etc. And as I'm coming off of that sugar and letting my body get back to functioning on normal, healthy foods, IT'S FREAKING THE FRICK OUT.

I feel better today and even got to the gym while my mother was here visiting with the kids. I took a class called Sculpt and Tone and in my Twitter before, I mentioned how it should be called Pain and Agony. I think that even when I was in the best of shape, this class would have hurt me. The instructor was either a Nazi or Gestapo. Not sure which. I was proud of myself because I would see other people quitting or lowering their weights - people who were in obviously better shape than me - and I did it. I finished the whole class. I was proud.

My husband, in either a show of solidarity or in morbid curiosity, has decided to join me on this journey. If you ask him, he has also been pregnant twice and needs to lose his baby weight. We both got on the scale this morning in the wee hours of the morning, and after only three days, the giant bastard (I say that lovingly; he is 6'4) has already dropped 6 pounds. I was down 3.4 since Monday morning.

I'm excited to see how well we do together and I am even more excited to drop this weight and fit into more normal clothes. I have a wedding to go to in two months and would like to be comfortable in my dress. More importantly, I can't wait to be comfortable in my own body again.

Mid-week Update

2008-08-13T07:33:00.001-07:00

I love my treadmill. I really do. And this week, we've rekindled our love affair. I spent 15 minutes on Monday, and again today, talking a walk to nowhere. I know it's not much, but it's all the time I had before I had to shower and force my eyes open. Cass is working on some music for me to add to my IPod collection, which I'm so excited to get! I have a lot of music on the IPod, but it isn't all appropriate walking music (Led Zeppelin just isn't peppy enough, ya know?). I walk about .65 miles, and I want to work up to .75 and at a bit of an incline. I have blisters on my ankles though, so that slows me down. I have to remember band-aids. Maybe I should get the Snoopy ones I saw at the store yesterday just for myself.

I'm doing better on the snacking, too, despite the fact that my monthly friend is making her visit this week and all I want is a bag of pretzels and some chocolate.

So, it's going well. Look for more updates soon.

Wordless Wednesday: $78.00 Stretchmark Cream FAIL

2008-08-13T05:44:00.001-07:00

Week One Complete. Week Two Ramp Up

2008-08-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well I resisted jumping on the scale all week even though I felt like I'd be happy with what I was going to see and I'm glad I did resist. When I jumped on the scale this morning it said 171 which is 6 l-b-s's less then last week. Now this is fantastic and I'm happily wearing normal size 12 pants as I type and I'm thrilled by this in so many ways but the thing is this: It's going to slow down. Next week when I jump on the scale it will likely not show another 6lb loss and there will be little I can do about it. And also will my boobs stay this big for as long as I'm sustaining life? Because I'm going to need to buy some new shirts stat if that is the case.

me today

I am eating very healthfully because I want Lexi to get the very best so I can't really improve too much on that front. I suppose I could cut out my one full fat indulgence: Strawberry Cream Cheese. I tried to make it myself with my homemade jam and low fat cream cheese and the results were just not worth the effort or even close to as tasty. Do you know how to make flavored cream cheese? Enlighten me.

The thing that's killing me is not working out. I want to work out. I want to work out really really bad. And good lord I want to do crunches - LOTS and LOTS of crunches and leg lifts and those scissor things the trainer made me do that actually made me cry. Side note for one second: I don't think I will cry from physical pain anymore...well outside of child birth. There was a time I would cry if I stubbed my toe hard enough or if I sliced my hand with a knife but no more...it doesn't even rate on that pain scale they had in the hospital. I want to not have a pouch and while we're making wishing and hoping dreams I'd like the stretch mark bullseye on my stomach to fade away. Does that happen? Do stretchmarks go away?

I have my first post-baby doctor's appointment on Friday and I'm hoping that if I ask nice enough that they will say that starting to jog will be approved as will ab exercises. Maybe if I ask very nicely and I bring brownies.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm starting tomorrow

2008-08-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

When AndreAnna and Cass announced this blog, I crashed the group and asked to join. Luckily they didn't mind, and here I am.

But I'm not getting anywhere. And the reason is totally me. Every single Sunday, I get on the scale. It isn't moving down, but slowly creeping up. And the reason is totally me. I am not keeping track of my points. I am not getting one bit of exercise. In short, I'm not doing anything. I'm frustrated, yet I have no right to be. I'm totally in control of my own weight loss. But if I don't start, I can't complain.

After the twins were born, I dropped 35 pounds without batting an eye. I was thrilled. I was nursing them (oh my god the nursing of twins is something I'm glad I never have to experience again) so the weight just melted away. Ever since I weaned them about a year ago, the weight has come back on. It's stubborn, too. I can drop a few pounds, then it comes right back. I get frustrated easily, and quit. How completely lame is that?

So tomorrow I'm getting up and walking on my treadmill. I haven't been on it in ages. It's gathering dust in the basement. I have to start somewhere. And I think that a nutritionist might be in order. While WW is great, I think I might need to rethink the way that I eat. So, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm starting tomorrow. Call me on it. Make sure I walk. Ask me how far. And remind me to count my points.

Moving onto Plan B

2008-08-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

Guess what my body told me this past month?

That I'm old.

That my metabolism is missing from 9+ months of very little exercise and eating too much from the Fuckit Bucket (thanks to Linda for coining that term).

That once you get past your mid-twenties, everything slows down, hangs lower, jiggles more.

That if I want to lose this weight, I'm going to have to work a lot harder than I did last time.

That simply cutting calories and riding a bike a few times a week, though good for me, is not going to move this 50 pounds in less than 10 years.

That you can in fact regain the 5 pounds you lost in one weekend of dinner and drinks out with friends, even if you look cute doing it:

(One month post-baby from Sawyer. Can we say YAY shoes! Oh how I missed you)

---

When I graduated college, I weighed over 300 pounds:

(This is taking a lot of balls to post these.)

One day at my new job, my size 24 jeans broke. The button popped off. That day, I joined a gym, hired a trainer and made an appointment with a nutritionist.

The weight slowly came off:

The healthy way - slow, steady and by eating right and exercising A LOT. And by the night of my wedding, I had lost 120 pounds.

I was so happy with myself, proud of my accomplishments, and of how hard I worked. And I FELT phenomenal. I was 25.

I got pregnant on our honeymoon and gained 80 pounds.

(36 weeks pregnant with Charlotte)

It was slow going and took 18 months but the weight moved and eventually I lost every pound. And got pregnant the weekend of hitting my goal weight.

(The weekend after I got pregnant with Sawyer)

And gained another 80 pounds.

(38 weeks pregnant with Sawyer)

I'm now 28. It's been a month and not only has the weight not moved but the slightest diversion from being a food nazi and I immediately gain weight. I went out on Friday night with my girlfriends and I had Thai food and ~~about nine~~ a few martinis. I spent yesterday rehydrating and cursing my body for again reminding me how old I am and that I can't drink like I used to. I get on the scale this morning and it us up SEVEN pounds from last Monday.

I'm not sure how that's even possible but it is.

Some things have to change. I have to go drastic.

Because of my PCOS, my body doesn't process sugar well - called insulin resistance - and any sugar I consume doesn't break down well, much like a diabetic. This means that the sugar is converted to fat and stored in my middle. So I have an incredibly disproportionate body and when I go shopping, the sizes I buy on top are literally 3-4 sizes smaller than the bottoms I have to buy.

This is NOT cool.

Plan B is a all-out no-holds-barred kick-my-ass month. When I would hit a plateau in my weight loss journey a few years ago, my trainer would put on on a fairly strict high-protein high-complex carb, low/no sugar diet combined with circuit training. I never ate healthier in my life. I never felt better. And the bonus? The weight just fell off. I literally would lose 30 pounds a month.

The downside is that it is not a diet that can realistically be followed forever and though is not a gimmick diet, is still a "diet" which I don't usually believe in. I'm normally all for eating healthy and well in moderation and exercise. Which works great when you need to maintain your weight or just lose a few pounds and want to remain healthy.

But in my case I have FIFTY pounds to go. I know I said this wasn't going to be about pounds but that is A LOT and is hard to ignore. It is a strain on my heart, my bad back, my legs, to carry all this extra weight. It needs to come off.

So I'm putting myself back on the diet the trainer had me on. And I'm going to commit to at least 3 hours a week of intense cardio and 3 hours a week of weight training. I only have a month before I have to go back to work so I need to kick my metabolism up while I have the time. What I've been doing is good. It's just not good enough.

I need to do this for me. So I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better me.

Here I go.

Objects in mirror may appear...

2008-08-08T11:35:00.001-07:00

So I've learned something this week. Let's assess:

Thing 1: When you are used to your very large body you are pleased with yourself when you see a much smaller body - even if that much smaller body is still much larger then your "normal body"

Thing 2: If you wake up 30 minutes before your newborn daughter you should lay back down. You should not go into your closet and try on your "normal body" clothes. This will be depressing when you realize you don't have a single shirt that will go over your very large boobs or a pair of pants that will fit your still pregnant ass...yes, I said still pregnant ass.

Thing 3: Calories are important - when you are giving up so many calories a day to a hungry person you need to fuel often and with the good stuff.

Thing 4: 100 Calorie packs are for pussy's. I want 250 Calorie packs please.

Thing 5: I want to run. I want to feel sweat drip off my body from physical exertion rather than another hot flash. I don't want to wake up in a pool of my own sweat.

Thing 6: The Mommy / Baby Nap Policy of 2008 was by far my best piece of houseal legislation. The key line item in this policy is in regard to all phone ringers being disabled. That also happens to be the hiccup in the plan because one has to remember to disable said phone ringers.

Thing 7: My daughter likes to be held. CONSTANTLY. Which I love and also my arms are looking more toned.

Slow and Steady

2008-08-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Today I faced the scale after what I decided was a much better week. I did a lot of hardcore cleaning and gardening, getting in some exercise without actually getting to the gym (T minus 4 days till gym time!). I also consciously tried to stop eating after dinner, which is incredibly hard when you go from being pregnant and eating ALL DAY LONG to having to stop at some point. A few nights, I went to sleep hungry but there was some odd satisfaction to that. Of course, making things like this doesn't help me, but dearsweetdietingbabyjeebus, I love baking. I just have to learn to bake and not EAT all of it.

Today I was down 1.8 pounds after a two-week plateau, so I'm pretty happy with this. And I know once I get back to the gym it will be even better. Right now, the hardest part is finding the time to eat real meals. Dinner is the only meal I usually get to sit down to since Mike is home and there are two extra hands. Breakfast consists of yogurt, V8, and coffee most mornings, which isn't necessarily BAD, but I'd love to be able to get some complex carbs or protein in there, but I don't have the arms or time to make the egg or oatmeal for myself. Sometimes, if I get everything else done, I can sit down and eat lunch, which is usually a turkey sandwich with some pretzels and cheese and a piece of fruit or something quite similar.

I am not a frozen dinner person and though I am no longer nursing I have a hard time reading those ingredients and allowing myself to put that in my body. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to researching things. I no longer drink diet coke and am doing my best to avoid all things artificial and hydrogenated. I figure if I won't let my children have it because it's not healthy, why is it okay for me to eat? Those frozen "healthy" meals have the lure of being low-fat, low-cal, high-fiber and QUICK, but they also have a ton of sodium and lots of additives and preservatives I'm trying to avoid.

Why do they make it so hard to eat healthy and quick?

Any suggestions?

An Asshole and Starting off on the right foot

2008-08-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

First let me tell you about an asshole. Not mine, although sweet jebus that could be a whole post on a blog where no one I know reads it. Lexi and I were waiting with the transport nurse at the front of the hospital while the FH got the car. A man, who was clearly not in his right mind, walked towards us and I asked him to keep his space because she just came from the NICU and we're being careful about germs. He stopped walking but was watching her (which I hated) and he said she was cute (which I knew) and then he looks at me and says, and I quote, "and you're already having another one!?" I looked at him and while I KNOW that he's not all there I could not stop the following words with all my might "you're a real asshole". But then I thought, this is great Life After blog stuff so it's a wash.

Which brings me to today. Let's take a brief look at where I was one week ago. I was pregnant. I went to the doctor. I got on the scale. And for the first time in my life I am not going to shave pounds off of my weight. I weighed 199lbs. Yup. Let's take a look at what that looks like....ah yes to the left. Oh my. Now it's been one week and in that week this 8lb 13oz princess was delivered (lol, haha stork UPS man) picture to the right. With her delivery came TWO factories. Milk factory one and Milk factory two - I think you can see from the picture here that these are two of the biggest factories I have ever seen in my entire life and when I tell you these suckers are heavy I am NOT joking and I know they are really huge because the FH stares at them and says they are the biggest ones he's ever seen and he's seen his share of Playboy and porn (Hi Mom, Hi Grandma!).

So let's look at where we are today....if I could find my tripod I would take a picture but that will have to wait until next week. Here are the numbers:
Weight - 177lbs
Arms - 10.25 inches
Boobs at biggest - 40 inches
Waist (I HAVE ONE AGAIN) - 34 inches
Hips at widest - 44 inches
Thighs - 25 inches

Now 22lbs in one week is pretty freaking amazing and as I waited patiently all weekend without stepping on the scale because I will only use the scale once a week I was very afraid that number would be 190. My very first doctors appointment for Miss. Lexi when I was about 2.5 months pregnant I weighed in at 157 - which is 20 lbs from where I'm at right now and while that's a lot of lbs it's not as scary as I thought it would be.

Healthy eating started on Friday when I came home and I haven't missed any of the crap I was eating before and there was a lot of crap that I was eating. A lot. I can't help but think if I had followed the recommended 25lb weight gain that I would nearly be back to normal but that's probably not true anyway. It's much easier to eat healthy when I have a little person attached to my body and I know that whatever I put in my mouth is the good stuff she's getting so saying no to the hydrogenated family and the high fructose family hasn't been tough at all. So far.

The real work can't start until I get the all clear from the doctor to start working out but we are walking every day and the healthy eating will for sure be a start plus the factories are burning lots of calories and godess knows I've been sweating like a teenage wrestler in a sauna to make weight for the past few days. Wait, did I mention I have ankles again and I can see my crotch if I look for it??? I do and I can - what a gift!

So the way I'm breaking this down is posting at least weekly with the update and then probably one other time a week. And we're off to try to figure out how to wear these baby sling things...wish me luck!

Stuck

2008-07-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am having a tough time getting on the horse here. In the back of my mind, I can hear the things I should be doing~tracking my weight on WW, walking on my treadmill, TRYING. And it is so unappealing to me right now. I don't know if it's the heat, the humidity, the availability of ice cream, but I am stuck. I am not a big snacker. Well, except for my after-the-kids-go-to-bed popcorn or ice cream. I love my coffee, but I use Splenda and fat free half and half (unless I go to Dunkin Donuts, and get cream). I have been making meals from my Cooking Light cookbooks and even the kids are eating them. Eating pasta with sausage is so much yummier than boxed mac and cheese. Unfortunately I am not eating the suggested serving sizes. Argh.

I don't know why I'm not motivated right now. I have succeeded on WW before. The very first time I tried I lost 25lbs and became a Lifetime Member. I remember going back for my senior year of college and surprising all my friends~I hadn't told a soul what I was doing, I guess in case I failed. I think maybe the difference is that I went to meetings and stayed for the meetings, and this time I'm doing it online. No real accountability there. And I know I have you, dear readers, but I am just moving at a snails pace with this.

So I am asking for some inspiration. I am looking for that spark that will get me moving. I'm asking for your help. Go to it.

No change

2008-07-30T06:53:00.001-07:00

First, congratulations to Cass on the birth of their new baby girl Lexi! I'm anxiously awaiting more news and can't wait to talk to her.

I DID get on the scale yesterday morning and it was exactly the same as the week before, which was expected. I wasn't as careful last week and we indulged a bit in some Thai food. I am, however, still eating healthy, making sure I drink my V8 (way more convenient than making vegetables with a newborn in hand) and eating my yogurt. I'm also trying to rest when I can and if both kids are down for a nap, I try and get some extra rest too.

To say I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym is an understatement. I yearn for it. I can see myself getting in my sneakers, sweating, and being in pain for the days after. I'm insane, right? I guess I'm just an endorphin junkie and love the feeling I get after being at the gym. And then the overall feeling I get when my muscles feel tighter is what keeps me going, despite a very busy life.

Are you a gym lover or do you hate to work out and why?

Week One

2008-07-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

Keep in mind that I had a baby less than two weeks ago and that the initial weight loss in the beginning is mostly water and all that post-baby stuff.

So I get on the scale this morning and I've lost 12 pounds this week! I figure at least 2-3 of them HAS to be extra flub, right? It can't ALL be water.

I did have some setbacks - it's hard going from eating whatever you want to consciously thinking about what you put in your mouth. I did have ~~one two~~ three Blendinis this week and a piece of Oreo pie last night. Oh, and a few beers on Saturday. My sister brought it over for after dinner, and though I could have turned it down or hard just a tiny taste, I had a large piece. Why? I don't know. My willpower is apparently set to 3 on a scale of 1-10. I have to get it back up. I HAVE to learn to THINK before I put things in my mouth. Why is that so hard?

This is a new week and I'm going to try harder to avoid the dessert traps and maybe make some low-fat homemade pudding to eat if I get that sweet tooth attack.

I can't wait for the weather to get better so I can take my kids on walks - it's been like 95 degrees with 90% humidity. Just intolerable.

Already Batting Zero!

2008-07-21T07:08:00.001-07:00

Well, I neglected to weigh myself yesterday. Can you believe it? I was too busy making blueberry pancakes for the family with blueberries picked from our yard. I've decided that instead of looking at that as a failure, I'm going to focus on the positives from the last week.

I had a sick child all last week (I'm getting to the positive, trust me) and that pretty much put taking care of myself on the back burner. However, I managed to dial back the amount of food that I ate. I made a hugely conscious effort to avoid eating from the snacks I feed the kids~I limited goldfish, Cheerios, graham crackers. That is a huge thing for me. It's easy to eat mindlessly. I believe I am the Queen of Mindless Eating. Add to that the lack of exercise I am getting because it's just too hot to go outside, and that makes for one unhappy mama. So I was really proud of being able to watch what I ate while trying to make the sick boy better.

The other positive from last week was the amount of veggies we tried to eat, from our garden. No, I'm not all green, but I'm trying to do little green things. Our garden is one of them (and plus, have you seen the price of vegetables? How ridiculous!). We had green beans, sugar snap peas, carrots and cucumbers. We're still waiting on the tomatoes, and we've already eaten the spinach and butter crunch lettuce. And I've been buying more fruit and making sure we eat it. I can't stand throwing rotted fruit away, and I love fruit. But I will be the first to admit that it's much easier to eat a granola bar because I can see it in the pantry, than to go into the fridge and get a nectarine or apple. Oh miz lazy bones!

So this coming week I'll continue on with my effort to eat less snacky stuff and I should probably work on my ice cream consumption too (I just love black raspberry ice cream). And I'll remember to weigh myself and give a report on Sunday. I just got a killer haircut and would love to have a nicer looking me to go along with it. Baby steps, baby steps.

Confession

2008-07-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

DearMaryMotherOfDieting, I've cheated twice.

Last night I had a mini-cannoli and two nights ago Mike got me a Key Lime Pie Blendini from Rita's. If you people don't have a Rita's near you or don't know what a Key Lime Pie Blendini is, consider yourself lucky. It's a crackhouse and the Blendini is pure heroin. It's key lime pie water ice mixed with vanilla gelato with graham crackers crumbled in. See? Total crack.

Other than that, I've been really good. We're eating a ton of fruits and veggies and having square healthy meals.

I also cheated by getting on the scale this morning though I promised myself I would only do it on Mondays. It was like a force I couldn't resist. I saw it and couldn't stop myself. I was down seven pounds since Monday. Keep in mind people that I just had a baby last Thursday and that this is a LOT of water loss. It still made me feel good though and it's enough motivation to keep on the track and NOT have another Blendini... or if I do to get the fat free gelato (which actually isn't that bad).

Normally, I allow myself some treats because the reality of life is that 1) I fricken love food and 2) everything in moderation and 3) I usually go to the gym to work it off. I don't believe in "diets" and feel they never work for people, especially for me. Being a healthier person is what has worked for me before and will work for me again, once I get it out of my recently-pregnant head that NO, TWINKIES DO NOT HAVE CALCIUM. I also usually allow myself to indulge but then make up for it at the gym. However, since I just evicted out a seven-pound kid a week ago, they kind of frown on going back to the gym just yet.

I actually have no idea when in Sam Hill I will find time to get to the gym with two babies and a full-time job (I go back Sept 15) but I HAVE to. I can't even tell you how much I miss it or how awesome I feel after a great workout, or how good I feel overall when my muscles are actually doing their job and, you know, holding my bones together. I will make the time. My husband will help me, just like I will help him find the time so he can get back into shape. Until the baby is old enough to be dropped off at the gym, we'll have to do our best to support each other. But we'll do it. I know we will.

It takes a village?

2008-07-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

So, when I saw that AndreAnna and Cass has created a new blog, I got a bit excited. Ok, a lot excited. AndreAnna was kind enough to let me join as a contributor~I don't think I sounded too desperate when I asked to join, now did I?

I am in a different place with my weight than AndreAnna and Cass~I am the mother of four children, ranging in ages from 18 months (oh, and those are twins) to 7 1/2. I am not having any more children, so it's time to get on the horse, and lose the weight I've been dragging around with me. I did not gain much weight with any of my pregnancies; even with the twins, I only gained about 15 pounds, and they were born full term at 38 1/2 weeks. However, I wasn't by any means thin when I got pregnant with any of my children, so I've just been losing baby weight, plus a little bit more, then gaining it back. I've been taking a hard look at myself lately and trying to figure out what to do, and this blog will be immensely helpful. Accountability always works well for me.

I am a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers. I became a Lifetime Member in 1993. You know, back when I was young, in college, and before kids and a husband. For me, WW is a wonderful program, and when I stick with it, I do fabulously. Now that I have children, going to meetings just doesn't work for me, so I am trying the online version of WW. And this is where I have trouble~I am good for a couple of days tracking my food because I love the Points system. And then I get busy/lazy/complacent, and stop keeping track. Over the winter, my husband and I joined online together. He dropped 35 pounds or something ridiculous like that without even blinking. I lost 9, then plateaued and gave up. This is where you all come in. I'm going to start back on WW, online, and report here (no initial weights or goal weight, just weight lost or gained). I am not looking to get to what WW says is my goal weight. I know the number I am looking for, and it's more about comfort than anything else for me. But, it's going to be a long haul and I'll need help. A cheering section if you will. As much as I love my husband, he can't be my sole cheerleader because I want to throttle him when he loses and I don't.

I have an extra incentive to get myself healthy. I have a bad back. It's a broken back; no really, I broke it a couple of years ago falling down the stairs. I have no cartilage between a couple of vertebrae, and the rubbing caused a bone spur to grow, which I fractured in the fall. Once the doctors figured out what was wrong with me, they put me on an anti-inflammatory which I take twice daily, and told me that the best thing I can do to take the pressure off my back is to lose weight. I nodded yes, but haven't made any progress. Now is the time. I hope with all your help, I can do this. I'll be weighing in on Sunday mornings and will report my progress here. I hope you'll cheer me on.

So far, so good

2008-07-15T12:36:00.001-07:00

It's midway through the second day of discontinuing eating from the Fuckit Bucket that I so adored during my pregnancy. And there are a few things of note. 1) My stomach needs to shrink back to normal person size. It was used to being filled to its brim with pregnancy cravings and needs to get used to regular sized portions. In the meantime, I am slightly hungry even after meals. 2) God, I miss mindless snacking. I have to physically stop myself from eating without thinking - Charlotte's leftovers, pretzels in the cabinet, nachos just because, extra cheese popped in my mouth while preparing dinner. 3) I feel pretty good with more energy when eating well and making sure I have protein at each meal (what? ho-hos have no protein? the shock and horror!?!).

I've been starting out each day with fruit and protein and a low sodium V8. This morning I had apples and cheddar. I've been trying to eat every couple of hours to stave off getting to the point of hunger that turns into weakness. You know, when your blood sugar drops and all you can think about is that pint of Haagen Daas caramel cone ice cream in the fridge and heaven help the person who tries to stop me from getting to the freezer?

I have a yogurt, cottage cheese, or a piece of fruit in between meals. We've been making healthy meals and last night had a HUGE chicken stir fry with rice and tonight will be having chicken burjitas with brown rice and beans and my favorite high fiber wraps (Misson Carb Control - SO good).

It's not easy going cold turkey with anything in life - smoking, drinking, eating crap. But for me, it's what works. I can't have just ONE mozzarella stick or just a couple of chips (I prefer savory over sweet). At least not once I'm getting back on the bandwagon. All or nothing is what works for me until I have reached a certain point.

So yes, it's been hard getting used to the smaller (normal human size) portions. And it's hard not to shove a half-eaten toddler's peanut butter sandwich in my mouth mindlessly because I've only had four seconds without a newborn attached to my boob. My husband has been home since Sawyer's been born so it's been easy to have someone help make meals. He goes back to work soon and I'm game-planning how to have the time to make my meals.

I'm thinking of making my food for the next day the night before and cleaning out a spot in the fridge for it, so I know what I have for the day.

Do you have any suggestions/tips on keeping portions in control when you have a toddler and a newborn?

Day One

2008-07-13T01:10:00.000-07:00

Cass and I started this blog as a way to track our progress back to our pre-pregnant bodies. Since becoming friends, we have griped to each other daily about our respective pregnancies, often noting how thankful we were that we had each other to complain to since other people would probably have stabbed us by now.

Unfortunately for my very uncomfortable friend, she is still pregnant. Very, very pregnant. He due date looms and I know she will be holding her little girl soon.

Though I didn't make it to my due date, I was induced last Wednesday for preeclampsia that seemingly came out of nowhere and after a long labor, but quick delivery, Sawyer made his way into this world on Thursday, 7/10.

After having a physically rough, though healthy, pregnancy where I gained almost 70 pounds, I have been anxious to get back on the journey to my health and my body. Granted, my body before wasn't perfection. Quite far from it actually. But I was in good shape and ate very well.

I spent the majority of my life obese and once I made the decision eight years ago to leave that girl behind, I have been very healthy, eating well, going to the gym, losing and keeping off 120 pounds. With my first pregnancy I gained 80 pounds and though it took almost 18 months, I took it all back off. Literally within days of hitting my goal weight, I got pregnant again. And again have gained a large amount of weight.

I know I will take it off. I know I can do it. But having an outlet, a journal, the support and advice of Cass and from you all, I hope I can do it more quickly this time. It's not about losing the weight for me, even though vanity and looking good is a motivator. It's about being healthy again for my family, finding the energy to take care of two babies, a house, and a full-time career.

Today, Monday, July 14, is Day One of Operation Get My Body Back. The first step was getting to the supermarket and stocking up on the normal staples of healthy eating rather than ding dongs and marshmallows. Though I never completely abandoned my healthy eating habits and our whole family continued to eat well, this pregnancy has definitely allowed more than our fair share of crap in our bodies. And today, we move forward.

I am nursing for the time being and I want my son to have the best start he can so that means I have to take care of myself as well. What I eat, he eats.

Because I had such an easy delivery, I should be able to get back to the gym or other physical activity within a couple of weeks.

But for now, I will let my body heal and get back to "normal" and nourish it with a healthy diet.

I'm not going to be posting my current weight or goal weight, because I believe this is more about being healthy than what size my pants are (though I will do a dance when I get back into my pre-baby jeans and if you're lucky, I'll record it). What I'm going to do is weigh myself each Monday morning and post a weight loss/gain, as well as discuss my goals, failures, and changes I want to make in the next week.

Here goes.